There was a time, back when I blogged often, that I would do Wine and Love every week.  Let’s get back to that time.  Thanks to Suki for hosting…

Things that make me take another drink…

• Realizing that i probably paid too much for my plane ticket to Atlanta. Ugh.
• After having my surgery and about a month of PT, I still am having some issues getting back into the swing of things.  My back hurts and it’s upsetting.  WHY must you be that way?
• I’ve been the only person in my department since yesterday.  my other coworker doesn’t come back until Monday.  This is…not good
• Sickness.  All around.  Everyone needs to stop
• Sleepy.  So sleepy
• Feeling totally overwhelmed with life, but not having anything to really point out as the problem
• Everyone and their mother (HA) getting pregnant.  What is THAT about?

Things that make me love…

• Getting to see old friends in Chicago this past weekend
• Eating my way through Chicago
• Another wedding next weekend.  MORE LOVE!
• Sunshine.  summer time.
• Remembering that everything can’t go my way all the time.  Instead, trying to find the little things that bring me joy.

2. How do you style your hair on a daily basis?
I just got my hair cut, so I’ve been blow drying it.  But when I’m lazy, I just brush it and let it air-dry.

3. If you were stuck in your bedroom for a week, what would you need in order to not go crazy?
Books.  Lots of books.

4. What are the best non-reality shows on television?
I hardly watch TV in real time.  I’m mostly stuck on DVDs from Netflix.  I do really enjoy the Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Modern Family.

5. Do you mow your own lawn and clean your own house?
Yes to the house, no to the lawn.

6. As an adult, what is the best part of summer?
Sitting on the porch, enjoying a beverage.  Staying out late with friends when the weather is nice.

7. If you could ask one celebrity one question, who and what would you ask?
Uh…probably The Situation.  Only to ask him what the hell is wrong with him.

8. Post a picture.

9. How many books do you read a year?
I’ve set a goal of reading 75 books this year.  I don’t know if I can make it.  I’m pacing like, 8 books behind.

10. Which national chain makes the best delivery pizza?
Honestly, I don’t eat pizza from places like that.  There are so many local places around here that we don’t eat Pizza Hut/Domino’s/Papa Johns.  I’m a snot, I know.

When we last spoke, I was having problems with my back.  So I saw a spinal surgeon, who recommended surgery.  That caused me to promptly freak out. I made an appointment with a neurosurgeon…who recommended the same thing.  That wasn’t an easy choice to make.  I didn’t even know if the surgery was going to work.  Both doctors suggested that the damage to my nerves from the disc herniation could be permanent.  There was the chance that I would never regain feeling in my foot, the muscles would continue to be weak and that I would walk with a limp for the rest of my life.

SEXY AND I KNOW IT

I had the surgery about a month ago.  It was out patient surgery and really, as far as the neurosurgeon was concerned, a really straightforward surgery.  My surgery was at 11 and I was out of the hospital by 7.  I was having a nervous breakdown before my surgery, but calmed down once they put something nice in my IV.  After my surgery, I was out of work for 3 weeks.

But now I’m back.  And I feel…amazing.  I feel so much better.  I have the feeling back in my foot (!!!!) and don’t walk all funny and finally feel like I can get back to my life again.  I’ve started PT and I’ve continued walking every day.  I feel great. I know I made the right choice.

Having the surgery was really holding me back.  It was a road block that I didn’t know if I could get around.  But I did.  Now I feel like I can move on with things.  I can get my life back on track and do what I need to do.

It started out when I had some sort of mini flu when I was in Atlanta for New Years.  So instead of going out and watching fireworks with friends, I was at my friend’s apartment.  On an air mattress.  I had shaking chills, a fever, and generally felt like death.  HAPPY NEW YEAR.

At that point, I should have known that there was no good way for this to go.  But I was optimistic.  Because you know, one bad day does not equal a lifetime of bad days.  Again – I was wrong.  After my illness in Atlanta, I had pink eye in both eyes.  And then strep throat.  I was in sad shape.

But I recovered!  As I knew I would.  And after that I was hitting the gym a lot and working out and lifting weights…and then my back started bothering me.  Like really bothering me.  I figured it was something with my sciatic nerve and didn’t think much else of it.  I was taking anti-inflammatory drugs and then I stopped working out so hard.  Then my back felt better and I went back to working out full tilt.

Until my back started hurting more.  And worse.  Two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night because I was having a back spasm.  I made an appointment to see my doctor right away.  She did x-rays, which showed nothing.  She sent me to the orthopedist.  And off I went.  He ordered an MRI.  And then my foot went numb.  I cannot feel part of my foot.  If I wasn’t alarmed because my back was screaming, I was alarmed after that.

I’ve come to find out that I have a severely herniated disc in my back.  And one of the nerves is being pinched, so that’s why I have no feeling in my foot.  I’m glad that I know what’s wrong with me…but at the same time, it’s kind of like, really?  Really right now?

I was putting money in my FSA, thinking that I would get a new pair of glasses this year.  But after paying for the x-rays and the co-pays and the MRIs, I will be lucky if I have any extra money left.  It’s frustrating because at this point, It seems like there is nothing I can do.  I do have an appointment to see a physical therapist and that should help.  But I’m just sad now.

There’s not much I can do.  I would go for a walk, but with my numb foot, I just kind of limp along.  I can’t really lift anything – or shouldn’t really lift anything.  I only just recently was able to fall asleep without the help of the muscle relaxers.  I’m broken.  That’s what it comes down to.

At the same time, I’m lucky that I can afford to go to the doctors.  I’m glad that I pushed an issue that was bothering me and it wasn’t just something stupid.  And most importantly, while this is a serious thing, it’s not that serious.  I’m not going to die.  I’m not going to have to have my legs chopped off. I  just have to take it easy and let myself heal (or at least that’s what I’m hoping to do)

Things that make me want to take another swig…

- Ongoing issues with my back.  My foot is numb.  Still.  The steroids I was on helped the pain in my back go away.

- I have an MRI for my back tonight.  I know they aren’t scary and they don’t hurt…I just…don’t want to do it.

- I also have a dentist appointment tonight.  I’m lucky that I don’t have any issues with my teeth.  I still dislike going to the dentist.  When he starts cleaning my teeth, my entire body goes rigid.  DO NOT LIKE.

- Thinking yesterday was Thursday when it really was Wednesday.

- Not having enough time in the week to get things done.  I am going to a bridal shower on Sunday and we still haven’t completed the present.  WHOOPS.

- The catty bitches at work, being, well…the catty bitches at work.

- Going from working out 4 times a week to basically nothing until my back heals.  Ugh.

Things that make me love….

- It’s a beautiful day outside.  And I plan on going outside for lunch.

- It’s Thursday!

- My back doesn’t pain me as much as it did.  And that’s a great improvement.

- Overnight in MA this weekend.  It’s only a short little getaway, but it’s enough.

- Having my trip to Chicago with my lovely friend Karen booked!  Both the flight AND the hotel.  We’ll have a blast.

- Having an excellent dinner last night, thanks to restaurant week.

- Finding joy in the small things as of late.

Reasons to take another swig…

• My back being all jacked up for the better part of two weeks.  It hurts to sit or stand or lay down.  I’ve got shooting pains down my leg. i woke up and my foot was numb.  So that’s just super super super fun.  Let’s see what the doctor has to say about what’s going on.  
• Crazy busy work week.  Can’t wait for it to be over
• Coworkers being bitchy.  Let’s all just play nice.
• My mom having an explosive meltdown on Saturday night where she just screamed her head off.
• Remember when winter was winter?  It’s not winter here anymore

Things that make me love…

• Halfway on Friday – wahoo!
• Trip to Chicago in May for a friend’s wedding
• Almost being lunch time (it’s the little things)
• Finally having a good night’s rest (thanks to muscle relaxers)
• Damn It Doodie being incredibly cute by just existing
• Sweet cards from good friends

Last week I confessed to some things.  mostly stupid things.  This week, I’m doing the same thing…

1.  I got an iphone.  And I kind of love it.  I can see why people like them.  My BB keep on freezing and not charging and I had it for 2 years and it was time to go.

2. I screwed up my back.  I’m limping around teh office. I AM ATTRACTIVE.

3. Everyone is going to Vermont this weekend.  But not me.  I will be at home.  With the furbabies.

4. My valentine’s day was not exciting.  I had dinner with my parents.  I changed my headlight in my car.

5. Everyone that posted pictures of flowers that they received on FB with something to the effect of “LOVE YOU BABY YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING” made me want to stab myself in the eyes.

6. I don’t hate love.  I just hate those sorts of people.

7. I have off on Monday.  That’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.

8. Almost done with today.  That’s another thing I will confess to.  We get out at 3 – yay!

9. Last night I was saying hateful things about ex-boyfriends.  I’m okay with that.

10. I woke up with a hangover this morning.  All class all the time over here.

I used to post things.  Do you remember that?  Because I did.  Since I really don’t have a lot to say…let’s come out with some confessions….

1. Last year it snowed..a lot.  Like, all the time.  This year it hasn’t really snowed at all.  This makes me very very sad

2. I’ve been working out hardcore with one of the girls at work after work almost every day.  It’s sort of like seeing a trainer, but so much cheaper.  I haven’t noticed a difference in myself yet, but maybe soon?

3. I’m the new lead volunteer at the shelter on Saturdays.  I’m still not sure how I feel about that.  But now I’m in charge.  So everyone better watch out.

4. One of the girls I work with makes me murderously angry.  She’s just…dumb.  And she plays it up to flirt with ALL THE MEN in the office.  It makes us all insane.  Stop flirting.  Do your goddamn work.

5. We’re still waiting on the short sale.  And by me, I mean my friend.  I really think moving out is going to make a difference in my life.  I just feel so…off being at home.  It’s not my idea of a good time.

6. I got this idea from Pinterest (DEADLY) to make conversation heart cheesecakes – meaning heart shaped cheesecakes that you dye different colors and write little conversation hearts phrases on top.  Now I’m on the hunt for the molds.  And then EVERYONE WILL HAVE THEM.  Or only 11 other people will have them.

7. I cannot stay up late anymore.  I keep on trying to watch Justified…and instead I fall asleep on the couch

8. I love broccoli rabe.  It can do no wrong in my life

9. Not sure how I feel about Valentine’s Day this year.  I mean, last year was great and this year just…isn’t

10. I joined meetup and went to a meetup last Saturday night.  It was…something.  There was a woman that puked all over her plate and then handed it to the waitress.  She then cried to her husband (while still being at the table) and freaked out.  Then the bill came and she got mad that there was an 18% tip added.  Lady, you barfed on a plate.  You owe more than that.

2. Do you prefer Long-English or Field cucumbers?
I guess field cucumbers?  What’s the difference?  My mom grows cucumbers in the garden

3. Tomatoes – Delicious or disgusting?
I’m weird about tomatoes.  I only like garden grown ones and I like them on my sandwiches.  I’m not a fan of tomatoes in salads.  Unless it’s like a capri salad.  Then it’s okay.

4. What’s one fruit or vegetable that you can’t stand and why is that?
BANANAS.  I do not understand their existence.  I hate them.

5. What’s your favourite way to prepare veggies? (Grilled, boiled, roasted, sautéed, etc.)
I like most of mine sauteed with garlic.

6. Sweet potato pie: Love it or hate it?
I don’t think I’ve ever had sweet potato pie.  I’ve had sweet potato casserole - is that the same thing?

7. What’s your favourite “style” of French fry? Wedges, shoelace, curly, crinkle-cut or other?
Shoelace fries.  The crispier the better.

8. What’s your favourite fruit-pie filling?
It’s a tie between apple pie or peach blueberry.  I love pie.  It makes my day better.

9. When you were a kid did your parents make you sit at the table until all your veggies were eaten off your plate?
I don’t think they did.  My brothers were really fussy about what sort of things they ate, so we only had veggies they would eat.

10. Do you drink veggie & fruit juice blends (such as V8, etc.) or make them yourself?
Sometimes I’ll have V8 fruit blend whatever juice.  I don’t seek it out, but I’ll drink it if it’s there.

It’s still not real life.  But things have changed.  And I’m going to admit some things about myself.  So be prepared.  The first thing that I am going to admit?  Sometimes, I facebook stalk people.  LISTEN, we all do it.  We all want to find out what that person we liked in high school is up to.  We all want to know more about an ex’s girlfriend.  It’s human nature.  Then you fall down the rabbit hole and next thing you know you’re looking at all 4,895 of someone’s pictures, trying to figure out what their deal is. That being said – I facebook stalked Gilmore.  We’re not friends, but I wanted to see what he was up to.  I AM A CURIOUS PERSON.

And through my stalking, I found out that Gilmore calls me Big Evil.  Like, that is my proper name.  He calls me Big Evil on Facebook.  Which is sort of funny, in and of itself.  I’m not really that evil.  I just told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore.  It’s not like I was seeing someone else or found someone else, it’s just that those feelings weren’t there anymore.  So in Gilmore’s world, being honest equals being evil.  Are we all squared away on that?  Good.

In addition, Gilmore is still friends with some of my friends on facebook.  So when they post pictures of me on facebook, he can see them.

And again, in his demented mind, I’m Big Evil.  Which means that he can say mean and nasty things about me on facebook.  Like saying in a roundabout way that I’m ugly and fat.  Which is just like…really?  Are you 13 years old?  That’s the best thing you can come up with?  ALSO ON FACEBOOK?  Mind you, he’s not telling me I’m ugly and fat.  He’s posting on his friend’s wall that should he ever say that his life is sucking right now, he should look at pictures of me and be reminded that it doesn’t.  Because he’s not with me anymore.

This just…what the fuck dude?  I’m not going to say anything to him because then I look like the freaky stalker (which maybe I am) and also because then it’s just feeding into his statements.  He wants me to notice.  But here’s the thing.  We broke up at the end of August.  We’re in the middle of January.  He’s still calling me the Big Evil.  He’s still saying that I’m a bad person.  it was MONTHS ago.  He’s still hung up on it.  He’s still saying insulting things about me to other people.  Which makes him look like a twat.  And honestly?  I’m sorry that I hurt his feelings.  I know it stings.  BUT it had to be done.  I was a mature adult about it.  I sat him down and explained it.  That was that.

And me?  I don’t regret my decision at all.  Him acting like a baby just makes me realize that I should have either left sooner or been meaner about it, since I’m the Big Evil anyway.  If someone’s going to call me that, I should have least done something to deserve it.

Since I’m being honest about the facebook stalking, I’ll be honest about my feelings.  I know it shouldn’t bother me.  Because he’s going for the low blow here.  But it hurt.  It hurt to have someone that supposedly “loved” me call me horrible things in a very public forum.  It hurt that he felt that is appropriate.  Right now, I’m not feeling too good about myself.  I’m feeling a little unpretty, a little overweight and you know, a lot low self esteem.  So for his comments to be said hit a little too close to home for me.

Which leaves me here.  Blogging about a stupid comment a stupid person left about me that wasn’t even to me.  Now I’m inspired though.  You want to call me fat?  That’s what you think is appropriate?  Screw you.  I’m back to the gym.  I’m working out.  And you know what?  I can fix fat.  Hell, you can even fix ugly.

There are things about him you can’t fix.  Things I won’t share on the internet, but know that they aren’t fixable.  There’s one big thing about him that can’t be fixed, no matter what you do.  All the plastic surgery, make-up and cover-ups can’t fix being ugly on this inside.  He has to live with that.