Reverb day 5 – Don’t the door hit ya in the ass on the way out

Day 5 of the Reverb ’10 project wants to know whom or what you let go of this past year.

There are a fair number of things that I let go of this year. One of the biggest things that I did for a good number of months was a boy detox. At the end of 2009, I was very much wrapped up in a fake relationship. I was the un-girlfriend of a guy that could not and won’t ever commit to anyone. He wanted to have someone to be there for him physically and emotionally, but not someone that he would have to say was his girlfriend. So many things were not going my way at that point that I didn’t even care that I was not that important to him. In the beginning of 2010, that all ended. There was a major fall out between myself and this guy and shit got ugly.

After that, I swore off boys for months. I didn’t let myself get wrapped up in boy drama. I deleted ex-boyfriends from facebook, deleted pictures of myself and guys that were no good for me and above all, I didn’t let myself worry about what any guy thought of me. I knew that I needed to get “clean”.

So for 7 months, there were no boys in my life. It was great. Boring, but great. I didn’t have to get all dressed up whenever I went out, I didn’t have to constantly second guess myself and most importantly, there was no drama. NONE.

But a life with no drama can only be okay for so long. A life completely without drama would be very boring (or so I think). So I started dating again. This time, I knew enough to keep those bad boys out of my life. When I went out with a guy and he didn’t call me back? Done. I was done. I wasn’t going to make myself insane wondering if I did or said something wrong. If someone didn’t like me? That was their problem. I was keeping every shitty guy out of my life because I finally realized that I was better than that. When I finally did meet a guy that was worth knowing, it was easy. There has been no second guessing, no misunderstandings, no confusion because he says what he means. I say what I mean. And when he starts to be a douche? He’s done. (But here’s hoping that he’s not that way, since he hasn’t started to be that way yet.)

Something that I’ve been working on letting go of for a few years is my feelings towards myself. I’m not always…super in love with who I am. It’s been a struggle since I was 15 to figure myself out and be okay with it. I don’t like how I look, I’m not always in a good place mentally and my mom is far from being a supportive person – but I don’t need to go into that.

I tried to let go of all my self doubt and hatred. I tried to think happy thoughts. I will take 4 steps forward into finally being okay with who I am and then take 79 giant steps backwards. It’s not easy and it’s not a quick process…but I’m getting there.

And I can keep on working towards it. I don’t need to hate who I am because who I am? I am pretty damn awesome. Maybe by this time next year, I’ll be okay with who I am. Perhaps I’ll realize that all that time I spent hating myself was so silly because I rock so hard.

I could wish it or I could do it.

Here’s to doing it.

(that’s what she said)

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tizz
    Dec 06, 2010 @ 20:10:30

    This is a rockin’ post. It took me way longer to get to that same point, and it’s something I’m still working on. Good for you for being so brave and bad ass. You’ve inspired me to keep keepin’ on in an effort to love myself and cut out the losers.

    Reply

  2. Sarah
    Dec 06, 2010 @ 20:22:54

    It wasn’t easy for me to get to this point either. There came a point in my life when I realized that crying over boys wasn’t something I wanted to do. But once you get there and feel empowered? Nothing can keep you down.

    Reply

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