Almost the end of Reverb ’10

So I really tried to keep up with all the posts, but life got in the way.  I’m going to catch up in one giant post…wheeee!!

December 27th – Prompt: Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I don’t know if I can put my finger on just one ordinary joyful moment.  It’s hard to say what it is.  But one thing I always like is when I wake up in the morning and I see my painted toenails.  It sounds stupid and childish, but that burst of color on my toes will bring a smile to my face even when I just woke up.  During a New England winter, it’s the only bright thing I will see for months.  And it’s totally worth it.

Another moment of ordinary joy is actual a series of moments – all the time I spent dancing around the kitchen in our old apartment.  It was the perfect space for dancing.  You should shake it all over, run into the living room if you had to and run back out.  There was nothing special about the dancing, just the fact that we did it.  The fact that sometimes, you’d have to shake your booty around just to feel good.

December 28th – Prompt: Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

Next year (at this point, this year) I want to get my life back in order.  I want to figure out What I’m Doing and Where I Want To Go and How To Get There.  I feel like I jammed on the brakes in my life when I got laid off and everything that I had planned just didn’t work out.  So I stopped.  When I started working at Fancy Marketing Company, I didn’t think much about what it was I wanted to do, I was just happy to have a foot in the door somewhere and be able to survive again.  So next year (which is this year), I’m going to try to figure my stuff out.  Figure out where I want to go, where I want to live, what sorts of things I want to do, and who I want to be.  Because I’m not done figuring that stuff out – and I might never be.  But I should think about it.  If I can achieve it, I will feel so relieved.  I’ll have a goal in mind again, something to work towards instead of just floating around aimlessly in the world.

and 10 ways to feel relief now?

1. Do things on my to-do list.  Do them in a timely fashion

2. Start doing what’s right for my body and giving it what it needs – veggies, exercise, sunshine – and not what I want it to do

3. Stop drinking.  Detox for a while.

4. Stop worrying.  Whatever is going to happen is going to happen.  I can worry about it or I can accept it.  I can’t change people.

5. No matter what happens or what I do wrong – NO ONE is going to die.  True story.

6. Don’t let anyone make me feel like crap.  Because I am flat out AWESOME.

7. Forget the people that made me sad.  Remember the people that make me happy.

8. Worry about things I can control and not the things I can’t.

9. When all else fails, hug that shit out.

10. Remember this isn’t the end.  Not even close.

December 29th –
Prompt: Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

I think the biggest (and probably the lamest) defining moment of this year was getting my job at the Fancy Marketing Company.  I had been turned down by so many places and I felt kind of low.  It’s hard not to when you know you’re qualified but someone else doesn’t see it that way.  Getting into Fancy Marketing Company just gave me enough of a leg up so that I wouldn’t be so sad.  I was working again, my life had a schedule again and I was able to relax and not be a nervous wreck every day.  It allowed me to have more time to do the things I loved (it doesn’t make sense that I said that, but it does) and I appreciated my free time that much more.  It improved all my relationships (because I wasn’t so needy and demanding.  Or less needy and demanding) and I was able to show my friends and family how much they meant to me.  Now that I’ve been working again, I can move on.  I can find out what I want to do and go there instead of treading water.  And I don’t have to worry about the bottom dropping out from under me.  Because at least I have a hand-hold, you know?

December 30th – Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

I received a few things this year that really rocked my socks off.  For my birthday, Soupsnake contacted all my friends to get them to make a 1000 Blank White Cards deck for me.  While it seems kind of stupid, the fact that she would go to all that effort really touched me.  All the cards reminded me of how much people care for me and how important they all are.  When I opened the box, I just kept on reading the cards and crying.  I still look through the cards from time to time to remember how great everyone I know can be.  This weekend was the first time that I’ve actually played with the cards and I was able to have more friends add to the deck.  In the end (if there ever is an end), I’ll have all sorts of cards to remind me of all sorts of people.  That had to be the greatest and most thoughtful gift this year.

The other 2 gifts that I received that meant a lot to me came at Christmas.  21 got me a hoodie for Christmas.  While that doesn’t seem like something that should be impressive, the fact that he paid attention to how much I lusted over his hoodie and then went to get one for me?  It’s amazing.  And it shouldn’t be, because nice people listen to their friends/partners/lovers/companions and then do nice things for them.  But he listened well, found something I liked and for that, I adore him a little bit more.

I told my friend Pam that I wanted a pony for Christmas.  I’ve wanted a  pony for years and years and STILL NO PONY, WTF PARENTS I WANT ONE.  So what did Pam get me for Christmas?  A pony charm for my Pandora bracelet.  She got me the one thing that I’ve always wanted.  While it’s not the real thing, it’s still good.  I will remember the story on that bead for as long as I own that bracelet.

December 31st -Prompt: Core story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

Do I even have a central story?  What can I say?  The only thing that I keep on seeing is the fact that my friends held me together for months on end, my life stopped and then started again and I have no idea who I am.  I suppose in terms of a story, that’s a good one.  There’s conflict, room for growth and excitement.  But I don’t know if I want that to be MY story.  To me, it seems boring and repetitive.  How many times can I make the same dumb choices and wander down the same path?  I guess I’m doomed to keep on doing in until I learn my lessons.  Once I understand what’s going to happen when I do the things I do, maybe I won’t be dumb about it anymore, you know?  Maybe I will have learned.

Then again, maybe not.  But possibly so.

The only way for me to find out is to embrace 2011.  Let’s see where it takes me.  I need to remember everything I’ve said and remember all the things that I did that didn’t work out.  I need to carry it with me until I don’t forget.

And 2011?  You remember something about 2010.  It was pretty amazing.  So many good things happened.  I hope that you can be just as freakin’ sweet.


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