Treading water

Yesterday at work I had a talk with my manager for our mid year career discussion.  It was an awkward talk because my manager is new to being a manager and kind of didn’t know what to say to me.  But the conversation came to my work performance and how I’ve just been in a holding pattern lately.

And that’s completely true.  But in my defense, I would be given new responsibilities at work and then have them for 2 weeks before they would be assigned to someone else and I would have something new.  I couldn’t really get into the swing of anything because by the time I finally understood something, it was taken away from me.  That is frustrating.

So I need to get out of this holding pattern.  And it doesn’t apply just to work.

I saw the trainer last night and we took some measurements.  I’ve lost an inch off my waist, which is kind of amazing, but the rest of me has stayed the same.  We had a very serious conversation about my life.

It boiled down to this: ever since the end of September, when I moved back home and everyone left at work, my life has been kind of chaotic.  It’s just been everything all the time.  I had to adjust to living at home again and having to deal with my mom day in and day out.  As I said before, my work responsibilities kept on changing.  So it was hard to find some sort of stability when the only thing I could count on being stable was the idea of chaos and nonsense.

We’re in a new year.  I NEED to get my shit in order.  I can’t keep on making excuses and falling back on the “it’s all crazy!” forever.  I’m going to make the effort.  I’m going to bust my ass at work to get ahead.  I’m going to bust my ass at the gym to make a difference in what I’m doing.  I’ve got the muscles there – I just need them to show.

I have this silly dance coming up in exactly 1 month.  And by then, I want to have lost 5 pounds (which is a tiny amount.  And i know that.  But I’m going to start small and go from there).  I want to have things making sense.  I want to be able to say I’ve made some progress.

None of these things are going to be easy and I know that.  But honestly, I can’t keep doing this.  I’m 26 25.2 years old.  I need to grow up and start acting like it, you know?  And it starts now-ish.

I need to remember what I’m striving for.  I need to remember that if I don’t lose some pounds in my hips, my pants don’t fit.  I need to realize that if my work performance sucks, people notice.  The things I need to change, I need to change for ME, not for anyone else.  The only person that is being set back by my inability to be a productive person is ME.

Which I forget sometimes.  But I can’t anymore.  I have to turn my focus on myself.  I have to do these things for me.

Now that I’ve posted this – everyone knows what I’m doing.  And I can be held accountable in the court of blogs when it doesn’t happen.

It has to happen though.  Doesn’t or can’t are not words I can use anymore.  I’ve got to stop treading and start swimming.


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