Soon to be 66% done with weddings for the year. Hopefully

This weekend is my friend Tessa’s wedding. It’s really hard to believe that she’s getting married. It feels like yesterday that she was getting engaged. I was so thrilled when she did get engaged because she is so in love. It’s adorable. Even at Cashelle’s wedding, they were both so in love. And for people that love each other in the way that those two do, you want them to have the greatest wedding ever. I’ve seen a lot of people that are madly in love get married recently and it warms my cold heart.

I also find it hard to believe that it’s time for Tessa’s wedding because of where I am. When I went to Vermont with 21 back in March, we talked about going to Tessa’s wedding. He met both Tessa and Aaron and liked them. He said that he was looking forward to going to their wedding. With me. In July. On our drive home from the house, we talked about having an extended weekend and doing fun stuff up in Vermont. It seemed like a reality at that point. It never crossed my mind that we wouldn’t be together then, because things were going SO well and we had such a stable relationship. But as we all know – apparently not.

Now that time is here. Everything has changed so much. Now I’m going to a wedding with a boy that thinks the world of me. He’s excited to meet my friends and tells me how lovely I will look when I’m all done up. But it’s still weird. Because this isn’t how I imagined it would be going.

When I say that, it sounds bad. It sounds like I don’t want to go with Gilmore. I DO though. It’s just – I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But when you imagine something one way and it turns out another way, sometimes the first way still lingers. I didn’t think I would ever be saying the things I say to Gilmore. I didn’t think I would feel like I do about him. But I do. It’s hard to explain how things are between us. Because the last time I felt like this, it was probably unjustified. And then Gilmore came into my life. He makes me feel like I’m the only person that exists that matters. He tells me the nicest things about myself. He’s supportive and kind and he listens to what I have to say. He’s thoughtful. He cares about things. He’s just…normal. He’s a normal person, with all the normal person things that come along with it. he’s got faults, like we all do. Yet, I’m not holding him to that same standard that I held 21 too (see? LEARNING. Learning from my mistakes). I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my brain that 21 was too good for me. That’s a bad thought to have and I shouldn’t have had that. I don’t feel like that with Gilmore. I feel like we’re equals.

And part of it is just…me feeling awkward and weird. Because I feel like every time I’ve seen Tessa and Cashelle in the past year or so, I’ve been with some other guy. Then I introduce this guy to two girls that mean the world to me…only to have him not stick around. And there they are, being married to lovely, lovely men. I just feel like I’m still a child while they are adults. I don’t know where this idea comes from, but there is it. Staring me in the face.

Writing this down (or typing, as it might be) is going to help me push this idea out of my head. What happened, happened. I know this. I don’t want to change what’s happened to me in the past few months because it’s been wonderful. I’ve had some nasty things come my way, but I haven’t let them hold me down. I’ve stumbled and had Super Sad Sarah Moments, but I’m getting around them. Every dumb thing I’ve done has led me to this person, this moment, this feeling. I can’t complain about that.

So I’m going to a wedding this weekend. A wedding of two people that love each other more than I could imagine anyone could love anyone else. A wedding where I will get to see two of my close friends from college and we’ll all be together again. A wedding where I can say “This is Gilmore. I think he’s going to sticking around for a while”

While I didn’t think this is where I would be… I’m happy with where I am.

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