A post that’s been a while in coming

So I meant to post about this last week.  But then Irene came through and we lost power and I was out of work for a few days…so I’m just getting around to it now.

I broke up with Gilmore.

Yeah, I did.  It probably comes as a surprise, considering that he made me so swoony and I was so happy at some points.  But Gilmore came over a few Fridays ago and we were hanging out.  As he was leaving, he was kissing me and the only thought I had was that I wanted him to get away from me as soon as possible.

The idea of this relationship not really working had been in my head, but every time that came up, I ignored it.  Then one of my friends excitedly asked me if Gilmore was The One for me.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he wasn’t.  I also realized that my feelings for him completely changed.  Those feelings from the early part of our relationship were gone.  I didn’t want to see him as much.  I didn’t want to be close to him.  And things that he did were making me crazy.  Basically, no matter what he did, he was making me nuts.  I was going to hold out on this for a while and make sure that I REALLY felt this way, because once I told him, I knew there would be no going back.  But the more I talked to him, the more I realized I was done.  He was talking about things we could do in October, things we could do during the wintertime and I didn’t want any part of those things.  I knew it had to end.

I went over to his house on Friday night and sat him down.  I explained that my feelings had changed – there was nothing that he said or did that caused it.  I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

He said that we could fix it.

I explained again that my feelings weren’t the same anymore and it wasn’t fair to him to be with him if I wasn’t all in.

Gilmore asked how much time I needed because he was willing to wait.

That’s when I got pissed at him.  because while he was hearing me, he wasn’t listening.  Then I told him that he needed to grow a pair and stop rolling over and taking it and finally stand up for himself.  Every time I told Gilmore that i was done, he’d say something to indicate that he was just willing to compromise himself for me.  He wasn’t getting it.

Gilmore then asked if I would tell him when those feelings came back.  I told Gilmore that they aren’t ever coming back.

Telling Gilmore that I didn’t have those hiney-tingle thoughts that I had before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  When 21 did this to me, I couldn’t understand how this could happen.  Now I get it.  It just…does.  And it hurts to have to do it to someone else, but the idea of just…lying to him and going through the motions and not being all in hurt more.

I know that Gilmore was into me.  I know this because of the way he acted and because he flat out told me (more than once) that he loved me.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn’t feel that way and I wasn’t ready to feel that way, but here he is, telling me how much he loves me.  I begged him not to tell me that again, but he would.  Telling someone that is that into you that you aren’t into them?  It’s painful.  I could see how much it hurt him.  But in the end, it was for the best.

Now all the anxiety I had regarding telling him that I was done is gone.  I feel so much better now.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  While it’s been an adjustment to not have someone to hang out with all the time and not have someone that cares about what I’m doing, it’s also so much better.  I’m no longer creating reasons why I can’t hang out with him.  I’m no longer dodging text messages or explaining that i can’t hang out with him 4 days a week.

I wasn’t all in for this relationship.  I know that I’m better than this.  I know that I’ll find someone that I’m just bananas about and I’ll feel that way forever – not for only 4 months.

So I’m back to being just me.  I’m okay with it.  I have more time for me, more time for my friends and more time to just…be.  Which is fine.  And when I’m ready to move on, then I’ll be ready.  Until then, I’ll just be Sarah.  Singular.

Advertisements

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Then there was that one time someone called me names « Don't cry Muffin – tales of a 20 something

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: