Oh hello, I’m still alive

I haven’t blogged in, well, forever, because I feel like I have nothing to say.  And that’s not true at all.  It’s more like I have nothing to bitch about, so what do I have to write about?

Because in my mind, the people that read my blog only want to hear me complain about things.  NO THIS IS NOT CORRECT.

Things have been…crazy.  Chaotic.  It was a long, weird summer.  After my grandma was diagnosed with lymphoma and then had the stroke, things because very tense.  She was in the hospital, then in the ICU, then in a rehab place, then in a nursing home and now, FINALLY, she’s home.  But she’s not the same as she was before, as would be expected.  So it’s hard.  sometimes she’s like the person she was – she will make funny faces and wink at us and laugh at our jokes.  And sometimes, it’s like she’s not there at all.  She’s making such great progress though, and there’s no more lymphoma, so those are things to be really thrilled about.  My grandma is a tough lady, so I had no doubts she would make it through all of this.

And after that, my summer, my fall has been amazing.  Honestly.  I’ve been dating the most wonderful, amazing, perfect man.  Perfect for me, at least.  I didn’t think it would work with us in the beginning – he seemed too nice, I’m too harsh.  But it did work.  Mostly because once I got to know him, I realized that I didn’t want to destroy his life.  In fact, I want him to stay in my life as long as he can.

There’s something so different about things between us.  I fell for him so hard and so fast that it’s difficult to believe we haven’t even been together for 6 months yet.  But I know that things between us are far from over.  He brings out the best in me and helps me see the best in myself.  He’s kind and loving and thinks the world of me.  And I think the world of him.  I didn’t think I could feel this way about someone.  And yet, I smile all the time when I talk about him.  My pulse still races when I know I’m going to see him.  Every time he looks at me in a certain way, I feel more loved than I ever have before.  There are things about our relationship that go so much deeper than any other relationship before.

For his birthday, I surprised him at his house with dinner and a birthday cake.  The look on his face when he came through the door and realized that I was there was the best look anyone has ever given me.  That made it all worth it.  I realized that I wanted to surprise him for his birthday because I knew how happy it would make him.  He still talks about it, how great it was, how he had the most amazing birthday ever.

All I can think is that I’m so incredibly lucky to have met him, to have him in my life.  I’m so happy that I found him.  That he found me.  That we made our way to each other.  My face hurts from smiling all the time.  I am the most disgusting relationship girl that has ever existed.

And my god, do I love it.

Future Husband, I have a confession…

I did this last week just because.  And then I got to thinking more and think it’s a great idea.  Totally weird.  But absolutely great.

Dear Future Husband,

I have a confession – sometimes I think about what our wedding will be like.  And by that I mean I dream of all the things that I can do.  See, I’m sort of crafty.  Or I’d like to think that I am.  And sometimes my head gets all filled up with things from pinterest that I think I can do.  Perhaps I can do them.  it’s really hard to say.  Regardless, I already know how I want our wedding to be.

You can have input.  You hate the centerpieces that I’ve already designed in my head?  Fine, we’ll change them.  you don’t like the idea of pie for dessert?  Okay, we can have cake.  You don’t want a big bridal party?  I’m sorry, I can’t help that. We can compromise though.  There are plenty of things we don’t have to do.

But we do have to make our wedding a total dance party.  We do have to have an after the wedding party.  And the next morning?  We need to have brunch.  These are things that you cannot deny would be super fun.  I’d like to think that our wedding will just be one huge party.  Because that’s what it should be – a celebration of two people coming together.

Many people I know are in serious relationships right now.  Even more people are married.  But we’re not there quite yet, Future Husband.  I know we will be one day.  That just means that when we get married, it’s going to be a big blow out.  People will be talking about our wedding because it will be the only one at the time.  We’ll hire babysitters for our friend’s kids so they can come and enjoy the wedding.  We’ll do everything we can to make the day stress free.

Whenever I think about our wedding, Future Husband, I realize tht I forget one thing.  I forget that our wedding is about you and me joining our lives.  And it’s not about the dress and the food and the booze and the flowers and the music.  It’s about you and me and forever.  I’ll try to keep that in mind.

But I can’t lie – the food and the music and the dress and the booze are good things.  But nothing as good as being with you.

XO

Sarah

Dear Future Husband (because that’s not holy weird or anything)

Prompt based on this post from Peter 

Dear Future Husband,

I’m really glad I found you.  No, really.  I mean, it took me long enough to get here, so I’m thrilled that we’re together.  Obliviously you’re pretty awesome to want to marry me.  And who wouldn’t want to do that?  Idiots, most likely.

Regardless, here we are.  I hope you’re excited for our life together.  I know I’m not always the easiest person to deal with.  I know I’m demanding at times.  I know I can make you tired – I make myself tired.  But I will promise that we’ll always have something to laugh about.  And that I’ll always do my best to make you smile.  And we won’t go to bed angry at each other.  Most importantly – and really, the most important thing – we’re in this together.

I can also promise that I’ll bake wonderful things for you to eat.  I promise that if I make a mess in the kitchen, I’ll clean it up.  I’ll make dinner – as long as you offer to do that sometimes too.

But you have to promise me a few things.  Promise me that we’ll make time for adventures and Saturdays spent in bed.  Promise that when it snows too much, we’ll not even leave the house, but stay in our pajamas and roast marshmallows and wish for the summer.  Promise me we can watch Arrested Development when we’ve had bad days at work and order take out and have a picnic on the floor.  And promise that when my college friends come to visit, you won’t get upset with all the squealing.  Because that happens a lot. Also, please keep in mind my family is sort of nuts.  So don’t take what they say to heart.  Eventually they will love you as much as I do – if they don’t already.

Well Future Husband, that’s all for now.  I know there’s so much more I have to say to you.

XO

Sarah

Then there was that one time someone called me names

Okay, so remember how I wrote that post about how Gilmore and I were no longer friends on facebook?  And I said Facebook wasn’t real life?

It’s still not real life.  But things have changed.  And I’m going to admit some things about myself.  So be prepared.  The first thing that I am going to admit?  Sometimes, I facebook stalk people.  LISTEN, we all do it.  We all want to find out what that person we liked in high school is up to.  We all want to know more about an ex’s girlfriend.  It’s human nature.  Then you fall down the rabbit hole and next thing you know you’re looking at all 4,895 of someone’s pictures, trying to figure out what their deal is. That being said – I facebook stalked Gilmore.  We’re not friends, but I wanted to see what he was up to.  I AM A CURIOUS PERSON.

And through my stalking, I found out that Gilmore calls me Big Evil.  Like, that is my proper name.  He calls me Big Evil on Facebook.  Which is sort of funny, in and of itself.  I’m not really that evil.  I just told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore.  It’s not like I was seeing someone else or found someone else, it’s just that those feelings weren’t there anymore.  So in Gilmore’s world, being honest equals being evil.  Are we all squared away on that?  Good.

In addition, Gilmore is still friends with some of my friends on facebook.  So when they post pictures of me on facebook, he can see them.

And again, in his demented mind, I’m Big Evil.  Which means that he can say mean and nasty things about me on facebook.  Like saying in a roundabout way that I’m ugly and fat.  Which is just like…really?  Are you 13 years old?  That’s the best thing you can come up with?  ALSO ON FACEBOOK?  Mind you, he’s not telling me I’m ugly and fat.  He’s posting on his friend’s wall that should he ever say that his life is sucking right now, he should look at pictures of me and be reminded that it doesn’t.  Because he’s not with me anymore.

This just…what the fuck dude?  I’m not going to say anything to him because then I look like the freaky stalker (which maybe I am) and also because then it’s just feeding into his statements.  He wants me to notice.  But here’s the thing.  We broke up at the end of August.  We’re in the middle of January.  He’s still calling me the Big Evil.  He’s still saying that I’m a bad person.  it was MONTHS ago.  He’s still hung up on it.  He’s still saying insulting things about me to other people.  Which makes him look like a twat.  And honestly?  I’m sorry that I hurt his feelings.  I know it stings.  BUT it had to be done.  I was a mature adult about it.  I sat him down and explained it.  That was that.

And me?  I don’t regret my decision at all.  Him acting like a baby just makes me realize that I should have either left sooner or been meaner about it, since I’m the Big Evil anyway.  If someone’s going to call me that, I should have least done something to deserve it.

Since I’m being honest about the facebook stalking, I’ll be honest about my feelings.  I know it shouldn’t bother me.  Because he’s going for the low blow here.  But it hurt.  It hurt to have someone that supposedly “loved” me call me horrible things in a very public forum.  It hurt that he felt that is appropriate.  Right now, I’m not feeling too good about myself.  I’m feeling a little unpretty, a little overweight and you know, a lot low self esteem.  So for his comments to be said hit a little too close to home for me.

Which leaves me here.  Blogging about a stupid comment a stupid person left about me that wasn’t even to me.  Now I’m inspired though.  You want to call me fat?  That’s what you think is appropriate?  Screw you.  I’m back to the gym.  I’m working out.  And you know what?  I can fix fat.  Hell, you can even fix ugly.

There are things about him you can’t fix.  Things I won’t share on the internet, but know that they aren’t fixable.  There’s one big thing about him that can’t be fixed, no matter what you do.  All the plastic surgery, make-up and cover-ups can’t fix being ugly on this inside.  He has to live with that.

Is this real life?

As I’ve mentioned, Gilmore and I broke up.  I did the breaking up with him, but we remained friends on Facebook.  We also said that with time, we would maybe be friends in real life.  Like, hanging out friends.  But that was with time.  I know that it wouldn’t be for a while, possibly a few months.  I haven’t contacted him or said anything to him since the breakup.  I haven’t had anything to say.  I’ve remained silent and really, the head of the Frosty Ice Princess Alliance.

Lately I’ve been getting tired of his constant emo status updates, his whiney posts about nonsense and basically everything he had to say.  Also, I found myself being VERY concerned with whose wall he was posting to.  And I shouldn’t care about those things.  I broke up with him.  I cannot concern myself with what he’s doing.

I unfriended him today.  I unfriended him and all his friends.  Because I didn’t want to care and I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal.  After all, it’s not like FB is real life, right?

WRONG.

He wrote me this email because apparently he noticed that we were no longer friends – I’m not sure how.  He then proceeded to more or less say that I was a liar about saying that we can be friends.  He said that he was sorry for whatever he did and he wished that he knew what it was.

So this puts me in a spot.  I’m annoyed that he felt he needed to email me and say this.  I’m annoyed that his stalker ways led him to finding out that I wasn’t friends with him.  But the thing that annoys me most is that he’s making SUCH A BIG DEAL out of this.

(As if I’m not writing a blog post ranting about how annoyed I am that he’s upset that we’re no longer friends.  It’s my glass house and I’ll throw stones if I want to.)

Now I feel the need to defend myself and my reasoning for not being his friend.  On a social media website.  It’s really killing me not to, but I know I shouldn’t say anything to him.  This is my life I’m living, not his.  If I need to not see what he’s up to, then I’m entitled to do that.

And you know, as I’ve said about 17 times so far, it’s FACEBOOK.  it’s not real.  It’s make-believe.  I’m friends with people on there that I didn’t even like in high school.  I’m friends with people that I don’t even care about.  Some of my close personal friends aren’t even ON facebook, but that doesn’t mean that we’re not friends.  In real life.  As you do.

So he can be upset about it.  He can rant and rave and shout and say nasty things about me on facebook (as I’m sure he’s doing right now).  He can unfriend all my friends.  This childish behavior does not make me want to be friends with him.  If he acted like an adult…well, that would be one thing.  But acting like a 12 year old girl that’s all insulted that someone doesn’t want to brain your hair?  I’m done with that stage of my life.

And now?  I’m totally done with him.  No facebook friends.  No real life friends.  This chapter is closed.

A post that’s been a while in coming

So I meant to post about this last week.  But then Irene came through and we lost power and I was out of work for a few days…so I’m just getting around to it now.

I broke up with Gilmore.

Yeah, I did.  It probably comes as a surprise, considering that he made me so swoony and I was so happy at some points.  But Gilmore came over a few Fridays ago and we were hanging out.  As he was leaving, he was kissing me and the only thought I had was that I wanted him to get away from me as soon as possible.

The idea of this relationship not really working had been in my head, but every time that came up, I ignored it.  Then one of my friends excitedly asked me if Gilmore was The One for me.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he wasn’t.  I also realized that my feelings for him completely changed.  Those feelings from the early part of our relationship were gone.  I didn’t want to see him as much.  I didn’t want to be close to him.  And things that he did were making me crazy.  Basically, no matter what he did, he was making me nuts.  I was going to hold out on this for a while and make sure that I REALLY felt this way, because once I told him, I knew there would be no going back.  But the more I talked to him, the more I realized I was done.  He was talking about things we could do in October, things we could do during the wintertime and I didn’t want any part of those things.  I knew it had to end.

I went over to his house on Friday night and sat him down.  I explained that my feelings had changed – there was nothing that he said or did that caused it.  I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

He said that we could fix it.

I explained again that my feelings weren’t the same anymore and it wasn’t fair to him to be with him if I wasn’t all in.

Gilmore asked how much time I needed because he was willing to wait.

That’s when I got pissed at him.  because while he was hearing me, he wasn’t listening.  Then I told him that he needed to grow a pair and stop rolling over and taking it and finally stand up for himself.  Every time I told Gilmore that i was done, he’d say something to indicate that he was just willing to compromise himself for me.  He wasn’t getting it.

Gilmore then asked if I would tell him when those feelings came back.  I told Gilmore that they aren’t ever coming back.

Telling Gilmore that I didn’t have those hiney-tingle thoughts that I had before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  When 21 did this to me, I couldn’t understand how this could happen.  Now I get it.  It just…does.  And it hurts to have to do it to someone else, but the idea of just…lying to him and going through the motions and not being all in hurt more.

I know that Gilmore was into me.  I know this because of the way he acted and because he flat out told me (more than once) that he loved me.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn’t feel that way and I wasn’t ready to feel that way, but here he is, telling me how much he loves me.  I begged him not to tell me that again, but he would.  Telling someone that is that into you that you aren’t into them?  It’s painful.  I could see how much it hurt him.  But in the end, it was for the best.

Now all the anxiety I had regarding telling him that I was done is gone.  I feel so much better now.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  While it’s been an adjustment to not have someone to hang out with all the time and not have someone that cares about what I’m doing, it’s also so much better.  I’m no longer creating reasons why I can’t hang out with him.  I’m no longer dodging text messages or explaining that i can’t hang out with him 4 days a week.

I wasn’t all in for this relationship.  I know that I’m better than this.  I know that I’ll find someone that I’m just bananas about and I’ll feel that way forever – not for only 4 months.

So I’m back to being just me.  I’m okay with it.  I have more time for me, more time for my friends and more time to just…be.  Which is fine.  And when I’m ready to move on, then I’ll be ready.  Until then, I’ll just be Sarah.  Singular.

Believin’

Everyone has moments in their lives that when you hear a certain song, you’re brought back to a place.  Most of the time, this is pretty solid for me.  I hear Piano Man, I think of my friends from college.  I hear the Beatles and I think of my senior year of college.  I hear something by Rusted Root and suddenly I’m painting in art class again.

All those songs have one moment.  They have one flash in my mind of why I like them.

As I was driving home from Cape Cod on Tuesday night (HI I GOT TOO MUCH SUN AND MY SKIN HURTS), I was scanning all of the radio stations.  Mostly because I could and I was bored and I needed something to do on my 4 hour drive.  I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew I would find something.

And Don’t Stop Believin’ came on.  Steve Perry was belting it out with so much heart and soul.  So I belted it out too.  I screamed it at the top of my lungs.  I rocked out hardcore on I-195 because I could.

The more I thought about that song, the more I realized that it doesn’t have just ONE moment in my life.  It has many moments.  I don’t know if that’s due to how popular it is, or just what sort of radio stations I listen to, but there’s so many things that came flying back to me at that moment:

– Driving home late one night with my friends and my brother after seeing Red Eye.  We heard this song, all rolled down our windows and sang it like that was what we were put on the earth to do.
– My cousin Kit’s wedding, where I danced so much with my grandma that she couldn’t walk the next day.
– Being in Vermont with 21.  We had just said goodbye to Tessa and Aaron and were walking back to the couch.  The song came on.  21 went over to the radio, cranked it up as high as it could go and we sang it to each other and danced around.  When the song was over, we went back to our lives
– Singing it out at Mike and Casey’s wedding, while dancing around with Gilmore and feeling so alive
– Glee. Because of course.
– Being on a cruise with Karen and Pam (although I don’t think we sung this song, it just reminds me of that moment)

It’s weird to think that just one song brings up so much in my life. But it’s THAT song. The song that has carried me through years of my life. It’s too bad that it has to be a bad 80s song, but at least it has a new message – Don’t Stop Believin’

Previous Older Entries