Oh hello, I’m still alive

I haven’t blogged in, well, forever, because I feel like I have nothing to say.  And that’s not true at all.  It’s more like I have nothing to bitch about, so what do I have to write about?

Because in my mind, the people that read my blog only want to hear me complain about things.  NO THIS IS NOT CORRECT.

Things have been…crazy.  Chaotic.  It was a long, weird summer.  After my grandma was diagnosed with lymphoma and then had the stroke, things because very tense.  She was in the hospital, then in the ICU, then in a rehab place, then in a nursing home and now, FINALLY, she’s home.  But she’s not the same as she was before, as would be expected.  So it’s hard.  sometimes she’s like the person she was – she will make funny faces and wink at us and laugh at our jokes.  And sometimes, it’s like she’s not there at all.  She’s making such great progress though, and there’s no more lymphoma, so those are things to be really thrilled about.  My grandma is a tough lady, so I had no doubts she would make it through all of this.

And after that, my summer, my fall has been amazing.  Honestly.  I’ve been dating the most wonderful, amazing, perfect man.  Perfect for me, at least.  I didn’t think it would work with us in the beginning – he seemed too nice, I’m too harsh.  But it did work.  Mostly because once I got to know him, I realized that I didn’t want to destroy his life.  In fact, I want him to stay in my life as long as he can.

There’s something so different about things between us.  I fell for him so hard and so fast that it’s difficult to believe we haven’t even been together for 6 months yet.  But I know that things between us are far from over.  He brings out the best in me and helps me see the best in myself.  He’s kind and loving and thinks the world of me.  And I think the world of him.  I didn’t think I could feel this way about someone.  And yet, I smile all the time when I talk about him.  My pulse still races when I know I’m going to see him.  Every time he looks at me in a certain way, I feel more loved than I ever have before.  There are things about our relationship that go so much deeper than any other relationship before.

For his birthday, I surprised him at his house with dinner and a birthday cake.  The look on his face when he came through the door and realized that I was there was the best look anyone has ever given me.  That made it all worth it.  I realized that I wanted to surprise him for his birthday because I knew how happy it would make him.  He still talks about it, how great it was, how he had the most amazing birthday ever.

All I can think is that I’m so incredibly lucky to have met him, to have him in my life.  I’m so happy that I found him.  That he found me.  That we made our way to each other.  My face hurts from smiling all the time.  I am the most disgusting relationship girl that has ever existed.

And my god, do I love it.

Dear Future Husband (because that’s not holy weird or anything)

Prompt based on this post from Peter 

Dear Future Husband,

I’m really glad I found you.  No, really.  I mean, it took me long enough to get here, so I’m thrilled that we’re together.  Obliviously you’re pretty awesome to want to marry me.  And who wouldn’t want to do that?  Idiots, most likely.

Regardless, here we are.  I hope you’re excited for our life together.  I know I’m not always the easiest person to deal with.  I know I’m demanding at times.  I know I can make you tired – I make myself tired.  But I will promise that we’ll always have something to laugh about.  And that I’ll always do my best to make you smile.  And we won’t go to bed angry at each other.  Most importantly – and really, the most important thing – we’re in this together.

I can also promise that I’ll bake wonderful things for you to eat.  I promise that if I make a mess in the kitchen, I’ll clean it up.  I’ll make dinner – as long as you offer to do that sometimes too.

But you have to promise me a few things.  Promise me that we’ll make time for adventures and Saturdays spent in bed.  Promise that when it snows too much, we’ll not even leave the house, but stay in our pajamas and roast marshmallows and wish for the summer.  Promise me we can watch Arrested Development when we’ve had bad days at work and order take out and have a picnic on the floor.  And promise that when my college friends come to visit, you won’t get upset with all the squealing.  Because that happens a lot. Also, please keep in mind my family is sort of nuts.  So don’t take what they say to heart.  Eventually they will love you as much as I do – if they don’t already.

Well Future Husband, that’s all for now.  I know there’s so much more I have to say to you.

XO

Sarah

A post that’s been a while in coming

So I meant to post about this last week.  But then Irene came through and we lost power and I was out of work for a few days…so I’m just getting around to it now.

I broke up with Gilmore.

Yeah, I did.  It probably comes as a surprise, considering that he made me so swoony and I was so happy at some points.  But Gilmore came over a few Fridays ago and we were hanging out.  As he was leaving, he was kissing me and the only thought I had was that I wanted him to get away from me as soon as possible.

The idea of this relationship not really working had been in my head, but every time that came up, I ignored it.  Then one of my friends excitedly asked me if Gilmore was The One for me.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he wasn’t.  I also realized that my feelings for him completely changed.  Those feelings from the early part of our relationship were gone.  I didn’t want to see him as much.  I didn’t want to be close to him.  And things that he did were making me crazy.  Basically, no matter what he did, he was making me nuts.  I was going to hold out on this for a while and make sure that I REALLY felt this way, because once I told him, I knew there would be no going back.  But the more I talked to him, the more I realized I was done.  He was talking about things we could do in October, things we could do during the wintertime and I didn’t want any part of those things.  I knew it had to end.

I went over to his house on Friday night and sat him down.  I explained that my feelings had changed – there was nothing that he said or did that caused it.  I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

He said that we could fix it.

I explained again that my feelings weren’t the same anymore and it wasn’t fair to him to be with him if I wasn’t all in.

Gilmore asked how much time I needed because he was willing to wait.

That’s when I got pissed at him.  because while he was hearing me, he wasn’t listening.  Then I told him that he needed to grow a pair and stop rolling over and taking it and finally stand up for himself.  Every time I told Gilmore that i was done, he’d say something to indicate that he was just willing to compromise himself for me.  He wasn’t getting it.

Gilmore then asked if I would tell him when those feelings came back.  I told Gilmore that they aren’t ever coming back.

Telling Gilmore that I didn’t have those hiney-tingle thoughts that I had before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  When 21 did this to me, I couldn’t understand how this could happen.  Now I get it.  It just…does.  And it hurts to have to do it to someone else, but the idea of just…lying to him and going through the motions and not being all in hurt more.

I know that Gilmore was into me.  I know this because of the way he acted and because he flat out told me (more than once) that he loved me.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn’t feel that way and I wasn’t ready to feel that way, but here he is, telling me how much he loves me.  I begged him not to tell me that again, but he would.  Telling someone that is that into you that you aren’t into them?  It’s painful.  I could see how much it hurt him.  But in the end, it was for the best.

Now all the anxiety I had regarding telling him that I was done is gone.  I feel so much better now.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  While it’s been an adjustment to not have someone to hang out with all the time and not have someone that cares about what I’m doing, it’s also so much better.  I’m no longer creating reasons why I can’t hang out with him.  I’m no longer dodging text messages or explaining that i can’t hang out with him 4 days a week.

I wasn’t all in for this relationship.  I know that I’m better than this.  I know that I’ll find someone that I’m just bananas about and I’ll feel that way forever – not for only 4 months.

So I’m back to being just me.  I’m okay with it.  I have more time for me, more time for my friends and more time to just…be.  Which is fine.  And when I’m ready to move on, then I’ll be ready.  Until then, I’ll just be Sarah.  Singular.

Believin’

Everyone has moments in their lives that when you hear a certain song, you’re brought back to a place.  Most of the time, this is pretty solid for me.  I hear Piano Man, I think of my friends from college.  I hear the Beatles and I think of my senior year of college.  I hear something by Rusted Root and suddenly I’m painting in art class again.

All those songs have one moment.  They have one flash in my mind of why I like them.

As I was driving home from Cape Cod on Tuesday night (HI I GOT TOO MUCH SUN AND MY SKIN HURTS), I was scanning all of the radio stations.  Mostly because I could and I was bored and I needed something to do on my 4 hour drive.  I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew I would find something.

And Don’t Stop Believin’ came on.  Steve Perry was belting it out with so much heart and soul.  So I belted it out too.  I screamed it at the top of my lungs.  I rocked out hardcore on I-195 because I could.

The more I thought about that song, the more I realized that it doesn’t have just ONE moment in my life.  It has many moments.  I don’t know if that’s due to how popular it is, or just what sort of radio stations I listen to, but there’s so many things that came flying back to me at that moment:

– Driving home late one night with my friends and my brother after seeing Red Eye.  We heard this song, all rolled down our windows and sang it like that was what we were put on the earth to do.
– My cousin Kit’s wedding, where I danced so much with my grandma that she couldn’t walk the next day.
– Being in Vermont with 21.  We had just said goodbye to Tessa and Aaron and were walking back to the couch.  The song came on.  21 went over to the radio, cranked it up as high as it could go and we sang it to each other and danced around.  When the song was over, we went back to our lives
– Singing it out at Mike and Casey’s wedding, while dancing around with Gilmore and feeling so alive
– Glee. Because of course.
– Being on a cruise with Karen and Pam (although I don’t think we sung this song, it just reminds me of that moment)

It’s weird to think that just one song brings up so much in my life. But it’s THAT song. The song that has carried me through years of my life. It’s too bad that it has to be a bad 80s song, but at least it has a new message – Don’t Stop Believin’

Soon to be 66% done with weddings for the year. Hopefully

This weekend is my friend Tessa’s wedding. It’s really hard to believe that she’s getting married. It feels like yesterday that she was getting engaged. I was so thrilled when she did get engaged because she is so in love. It’s adorable. Even at Cashelle’s wedding, they were both so in love. And for people that love each other in the way that those two do, you want them to have the greatest wedding ever. I’ve seen a lot of people that are madly in love get married recently and it warms my cold heart.

I also find it hard to believe that it’s time for Tessa’s wedding because of where I am. When I went to Vermont with 21 back in March, we talked about going to Tessa’s wedding. He met both Tessa and Aaron and liked them. He said that he was looking forward to going to their wedding. With me. In July. On our drive home from the house, we talked about having an extended weekend and doing fun stuff up in Vermont. It seemed like a reality at that point. It never crossed my mind that we wouldn’t be together then, because things were going SO well and we had such a stable relationship. But as we all know – apparently not.

Now that time is here. Everything has changed so much. Now I’m going to a wedding with a boy that thinks the world of me. He’s excited to meet my friends and tells me how lovely I will look when I’m all done up. But it’s still weird. Because this isn’t how I imagined it would be going.

When I say that, it sounds bad. It sounds like I don’t want to go with Gilmore. I DO though. It’s just – I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But when you imagine something one way and it turns out another way, sometimes the first way still lingers. I didn’t think I would ever be saying the things I say to Gilmore. I didn’t think I would feel like I do about him. But I do. It’s hard to explain how things are between us. Because the last time I felt like this, it was probably unjustified. And then Gilmore came into my life. He makes me feel like I’m the only person that exists that matters. He tells me the nicest things about myself. He’s supportive and kind and he listens to what I have to say. He’s thoughtful. He cares about things. He’s just…normal. He’s a normal person, with all the normal person things that come along with it. he’s got faults, like we all do. Yet, I’m not holding him to that same standard that I held 21 too (see? LEARNING. Learning from my mistakes). I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my brain that 21 was too good for me. That’s a bad thought to have and I shouldn’t have had that. I don’t feel like that with Gilmore. I feel like we’re equals.

And part of it is just…me feeling awkward and weird. Because I feel like every time I’ve seen Tessa and Cashelle in the past year or so, I’ve been with some other guy. Then I introduce this guy to two girls that mean the world to me…only to have him not stick around. And there they are, being married to lovely, lovely men. I just feel like I’m still a child while they are adults. I don’t know where this idea comes from, but there is it. Staring me in the face.

Writing this down (or typing, as it might be) is going to help me push this idea out of my head. What happened, happened. I know this. I don’t want to change what’s happened to me in the past few months because it’s been wonderful. I’ve had some nasty things come my way, but I haven’t let them hold me down. I’ve stumbled and had Super Sad Sarah Moments, but I’m getting around them. Every dumb thing I’ve done has led me to this person, this moment, this feeling. I can’t complain about that.

So I’m going to a wedding this weekend. A wedding of two people that love each other more than I could imagine anyone could love anyone else. A wedding where I will get to see two of my close friends from college and we’ll all be together again. A wedding where I can say “This is Gilmore. I think he’s going to sticking around for a while”

While I didn’t think this is where I would be… I’m happy with where I am.

When you don’t have enough for an entire post…

You just go with bullets and hope that you have enough random nonsense for an entire post.  Right?  Yes.

  • Today is one of those days where it’s so hot that you sweat just by existing.  I got out of the shower and I was already sweating.  Just ew
  • Puppy Duke fractured his toe.  I don’t even know how he did it, but now he’s all jacked up on painkillers and limping around and it’s the saddest thing ever.  It will take 3 weeks for his foot to heal, so we just have to keep the 6 month old puppy calm until then.  Oh yes, that’s a piece of cake.
  • Went to a wedding this weekend with Gilmore.  One of his friends was getting married and honestly?  The most adorable wedding ever.  Mike and Casey love each other so much it hurts.  You can tell they are going to be together forever and still love each other as much every day as they did on Saturday.  The wedding was great and the reception was even better.
  • Another thing I love?  The fact that Gilmore’s friends have just taken me in like I totally belong.  They’re all so nice to me and tell Gilmore how wonderful I am.  Which is true – i AM wonderful.
  • I’ve been doing a lot of baking lately – which I love.  It always makes me happy.
  • It’s hard to believe it’s July.  I don’t know where time goes anymore.
  • Things at my house are settling down now, after last week’s discovery with my dad.  My parents were in Vermont for the weekend and I think that really helped them to settle down and realize that we can handle this.
  • Oh, and my dad has Lyme now too.  As an added bonus.
  • This weekend is my cousin’s baby shower.  It’s hard to believe that the baby could be born really any time now – her due date is the end of July/beginning of August.  I’m so excited for this baby to come along.  Like, really.  I can’t wait for the new baby.  It’s been a while since there’s been a baby in the family.  And now I’m at an age where I care about babies
  • The baby shower on the other hand?  It’s a disaster.  And not in a “wow, this is going to be a terrible shower” sort of way, but more in a “what have you done with this?” sort of way.  My uncle’s wife is coordinating everything and instead of going low key (which is what my cousin wants), we’re having a random lunch at this place that is charging us $40/person and she asked my cousin’s husband for money to help cover the costs of this thing.  My uncle’s wife invited all these random people that my cousin doesn’t even really know and it’s just spiraled out of control.  So – that will be fun on Sunday, right?
  • This is the last weekend home before I’ve got two back to back weekends in Vermont.  And then it’s Tessa’s wedding.  It’s hard to believe that time is already here.
  • Also?  Cape Cod vacation is right around the corner.  Holy cow, how did that happen?
  • Neither my manager nor the VP of the department are in the office today…which leaves me in charge.  That’s kind of scary.

Yesterday was…not so good

Here’s the thing about my dad – he’s a real dude.  That’s the only way to put it.  He doesn’t flinch away from pain, he only goes to the doctor when he’s like, dying and getting stitches?  No big deal to him.  He takes out his own stitches if he can.  He’s hardcore.  He’s just…I don’t know.  He’s really pretty healthy, considering how hard he works.  My dad is a landscaper.  He plows snow and delivers wood in the winter.  He’s a busy guy and he works himself to the bone, but I know he loves it.

Plus, he can buy big trucks and then drive them around. BONUS.

My dad had some sort of lump in his neck.  The doctor found it during my dad’s physical.  Thankfully, my mom works with an endocrinologist, and we were able to get him an appointment right away.  They biopsied the lump.  As it turns out, my dad has thyroid cancer.

It could be worse.  It could be much worse.  But it’s the C word.  My grandpa died of the C word.  And it’s terrifying to all of us.  But they will remove his thyroid and he’ll (hopefully) be okay.

I’m having a hard time with this.  Maybe because no matter what has happened to my dad, he’s always been fine.  It’s never really required anything major and he bounces back quickly.  But having his thyroid removed?  That’s not going to be easy on him and it’s not going to be easy for us.  My dad does not take to “bed rest” well.  He doesn’t sit still – unless it’s 11 PM and he’s fallen asleep in his chair.  He doesn’t ever take time off from work (save for 1 week in August to go to Cape Cod) and he’ll never admit defeat.

Things will be different around my house for a while.  My dad hasn’t told my grandma what’s going on yet – and we haven’t really told anyone outside of my mom and my brother.  My dad knows that he needs to tell everyone what’s going on.  And I know that no matter how insane my family is (which is very insane), they will pull together and be so supportive that it will be disgusting.  I know my uncles will pitch in and my aunts will come to visit and we’ll have everyone we need around us.  We’re a family, and we stick together.

It’s still scary.  Things could still go badly.  But we’ll be okay.  We always are.  And my dad?  He’s one tough dude.

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