Oh hello, I’m still alive

I haven’t blogged in, well, forever, because I feel like I have nothing to say.  And that’s not true at all.  It’s more like I have nothing to bitch about, so what do I have to write about?

Because in my mind, the people that read my blog only want to hear me complain about things.  NO THIS IS NOT CORRECT.

Things have been…crazy.  Chaotic.  It was a long, weird summer.  After my grandma was diagnosed with lymphoma and then had the stroke, things because very tense.  She was in the hospital, then in the ICU, then in a rehab place, then in a nursing home and now, FINALLY, she’s home.  But she’s not the same as she was before, as would be expected.  So it’s hard.  sometimes she’s like the person she was – she will make funny faces and wink at us and laugh at our jokes.  And sometimes, it’s like she’s not there at all.  She’s making such great progress though, and there’s no more lymphoma, so those are things to be really thrilled about.  My grandma is a tough lady, so I had no doubts she would make it through all of this.

And after that, my summer, my fall has been amazing.  Honestly.  I’ve been dating the most wonderful, amazing, perfect man.  Perfect for me, at least.  I didn’t think it would work with us in the beginning – he seemed too nice, I’m too harsh.  But it did work.  Mostly because once I got to know him, I realized that I didn’t want to destroy his life.  In fact, I want him to stay in my life as long as he can.

There’s something so different about things between us.  I fell for him so hard and so fast that it’s difficult to believe we haven’t even been together for 6 months yet.  But I know that things between us are far from over.  He brings out the best in me and helps me see the best in myself.  He’s kind and loving and thinks the world of me.  And I think the world of him.  I didn’t think I could feel this way about someone.  And yet, I smile all the time when I talk about him.  My pulse still races when I know I’m going to see him.  Every time he looks at me in a certain way, I feel more loved than I ever have before.  There are things about our relationship that go so much deeper than any other relationship before.

For his birthday, I surprised him at his house with dinner and a birthday cake.  The look on his face when he came through the door and realized that I was there was the best look anyone has ever given me.  That made it all worth it.  I realized that I wanted to surprise him for his birthday because I knew how happy it would make him.  He still talks about it, how great it was, how he had the most amazing birthday ever.

All I can think is that I’m so incredibly lucky to have met him, to have him in my life.  I’m so happy that I found him.  That he found me.  That we made our way to each other.  My face hurts from smiling all the time.  I am the most disgusting relationship girl that has ever existed.

And my god, do I love it.

If this was a football game, it would be time for a pep-talk right now.

Here’s the thing about 2012 – it has not been the best to me.  really.  I’ve not had a good 3 months.

It started out when I had some sort of mini flu when I was in Atlanta for New Years.  So instead of going out and watching fireworks with friends, I was at my friend’s apartment.  On an air mattress.  I had shaking chills, a fever, and generally felt like death.  HAPPY NEW YEAR.

At that point, I should have known that there was no good way for this to go.  But I was optimistic.  Because you know, one bad day does not equal a lifetime of bad days.  Again – I was wrong.  After my illness in Atlanta, I had pink eye in both eyes.  And then strep throat.  I was in sad shape.

But I recovered!  As I knew I would.  And after that I was hitting the gym a lot and working out and lifting weights…and then my back started bothering me.  Like really bothering me.  I figured it was something with my sciatic nerve and didn’t think much else of it.  I was taking anti-inflammatory drugs and then I stopped working out so hard.  Then my back felt better and I went back to working out full tilt.

Until my back started hurting more.  And worse.  Two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night because I was having a back spasm.  I made an appointment to see my doctor right away.  She did x-rays, which showed nothing.  She sent me to the orthopedist.  And off I went.  He ordered an MRI.  And then my foot went numb.  I cannot feel part of my foot.  If I wasn’t alarmed because my back was screaming, I was alarmed after that.

I’ve come to find out that I have a severely herniated disc in my back.  And one of the nerves is being pinched, so that’s why I have no feeling in my foot.  I’m glad that I know what’s wrong with me…but at the same time, it’s kind of like, really?  Really right now?

I was putting money in my FSA, thinking that I would get a new pair of glasses this year.  But after paying for the x-rays and the co-pays and the MRIs, I will be lucky if I have any extra money left.  It’s frustrating because at this point, It seems like there is nothing I can do.  I do have an appointment to see a physical therapist and that should help.  But I’m just sad now.

There’s not much I can do.  I would go for a walk, but with my numb foot, I just kind of limp along.  I can’t really lift anything – or shouldn’t really lift anything.  I only just recently was able to fall asleep without the help of the muscle relaxers.  I’m broken.  That’s what it comes down to.

At the same time, I’m lucky that I can afford to go to the doctors.  I’m glad that I pushed an issue that was bothering me and it wasn’t just something stupid.  And most importantly, while this is a serious thing, it’s not that serious.  I’m not going to die.  I’m not going to have to have my legs chopped off. I  just have to take it easy and let myself heal (or at least that’s what I’m hoping to do)

Then there was that one time someone called me names

Okay, so remember how I wrote that post about how Gilmore and I were no longer friends on facebook?  And I said Facebook wasn’t real life?

It’s still not real life.  But things have changed.  And I’m going to admit some things about myself.  So be prepared.  The first thing that I am going to admit?  Sometimes, I facebook stalk people.  LISTEN, we all do it.  We all want to find out what that person we liked in high school is up to.  We all want to know more about an ex’s girlfriend.  It’s human nature.  Then you fall down the rabbit hole and next thing you know you’re looking at all 4,895 of someone’s pictures, trying to figure out what their deal is. That being said – I facebook stalked Gilmore.  We’re not friends, but I wanted to see what he was up to.  I AM A CURIOUS PERSON.

And through my stalking, I found out that Gilmore calls me Big Evil.  Like, that is my proper name.  He calls me Big Evil on Facebook.  Which is sort of funny, in and of itself.  I’m not really that evil.  I just told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore.  It’s not like I was seeing someone else or found someone else, it’s just that those feelings weren’t there anymore.  So in Gilmore’s world, being honest equals being evil.  Are we all squared away on that?  Good.

In addition, Gilmore is still friends with some of my friends on facebook.  So when they post pictures of me on facebook, he can see them.

And again, in his demented mind, I’m Big Evil.  Which means that he can say mean and nasty things about me on facebook.  Like saying in a roundabout way that I’m ugly and fat.  Which is just like…really?  Are you 13 years old?  That’s the best thing you can come up with?  ALSO ON FACEBOOK?  Mind you, he’s not telling me I’m ugly and fat.  He’s posting on his friend’s wall that should he ever say that his life is sucking right now, he should look at pictures of me and be reminded that it doesn’t.  Because he’s not with me anymore.

This just…what the fuck dude?  I’m not going to say anything to him because then I look like the freaky stalker (which maybe I am) and also because then it’s just feeding into his statements.  He wants me to notice.  But here’s the thing.  We broke up at the end of August.  We’re in the middle of January.  He’s still calling me the Big Evil.  He’s still saying that I’m a bad person.  it was MONTHS ago.  He’s still hung up on it.  He’s still saying insulting things about me to other people.  Which makes him look like a twat.  And honestly?  I’m sorry that I hurt his feelings.  I know it stings.  BUT it had to be done.  I was a mature adult about it.  I sat him down and explained it.  That was that.

And me?  I don’t regret my decision at all.  Him acting like a baby just makes me realize that I should have either left sooner or been meaner about it, since I’m the Big Evil anyway.  If someone’s going to call me that, I should have least done something to deserve it.

Since I’m being honest about the facebook stalking, I’ll be honest about my feelings.  I know it shouldn’t bother me.  Because he’s going for the low blow here.  But it hurt.  It hurt to have someone that supposedly “loved” me call me horrible things in a very public forum.  It hurt that he felt that is appropriate.  Right now, I’m not feeling too good about myself.  I’m feeling a little unpretty, a little overweight and you know, a lot low self esteem.  So for his comments to be said hit a little too close to home for me.

Which leaves me here.  Blogging about a stupid comment a stupid person left about me that wasn’t even to me.  Now I’m inspired though.  You want to call me fat?  That’s what you think is appropriate?  Screw you.  I’m back to the gym.  I’m working out.  And you know what?  I can fix fat.  Hell, you can even fix ugly.

There are things about him you can’t fix.  Things I won’t share on the internet, but know that they aren’t fixable.  There’s one big thing about him that can’t be fixed, no matter what you do.  All the plastic surgery, make-up and cover-ups can’t fix being ugly on this inside.  He has to live with that.

Is this real life?

As I’ve mentioned, Gilmore and I broke up.  I did the breaking up with him, but we remained friends on Facebook.  We also said that with time, we would maybe be friends in real life.  Like, hanging out friends.  But that was with time.  I know that it wouldn’t be for a while, possibly a few months.  I haven’t contacted him or said anything to him since the breakup.  I haven’t had anything to say.  I’ve remained silent and really, the head of the Frosty Ice Princess Alliance.

Lately I’ve been getting tired of his constant emo status updates, his whiney posts about nonsense and basically everything he had to say.  Also, I found myself being VERY concerned with whose wall he was posting to.  And I shouldn’t care about those things.  I broke up with him.  I cannot concern myself with what he’s doing.

I unfriended him today.  I unfriended him and all his friends.  Because I didn’t want to care and I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal.  After all, it’s not like FB is real life, right?

WRONG.

He wrote me this email because apparently he noticed that we were no longer friends – I’m not sure how.  He then proceeded to more or less say that I was a liar about saying that we can be friends.  He said that he was sorry for whatever he did and he wished that he knew what it was.

So this puts me in a spot.  I’m annoyed that he felt he needed to email me and say this.  I’m annoyed that his stalker ways led him to finding out that I wasn’t friends with him.  But the thing that annoys me most is that he’s making SUCH A BIG DEAL out of this.

(As if I’m not writing a blog post ranting about how annoyed I am that he’s upset that we’re no longer friends.  It’s my glass house and I’ll throw stones if I want to.)

Now I feel the need to defend myself and my reasoning for not being his friend.  On a social media website.  It’s really killing me not to, but I know I shouldn’t say anything to him.  This is my life I’m living, not his.  If I need to not see what he’s up to, then I’m entitled to do that.

And you know, as I’ve said about 17 times so far, it’s FACEBOOK.  it’s not real.  It’s make-believe.  I’m friends with people on there that I didn’t even like in high school.  I’m friends with people that I don’t even care about.  Some of my close personal friends aren’t even ON facebook, but that doesn’t mean that we’re not friends.  In real life.  As you do.

So he can be upset about it.  He can rant and rave and shout and say nasty things about me on facebook (as I’m sure he’s doing right now).  He can unfriend all my friends.  This childish behavior does not make me want to be friends with him.  If he acted like an adult…well, that would be one thing.  But acting like a 12 year old girl that’s all insulted that someone doesn’t want to brain your hair?  I’m done with that stage of my life.

And now?  I’m totally done with him.  No facebook friends.  No real life friends.  This chapter is closed.

A post that’s been a while in coming

So I meant to post about this last week.  But then Irene came through and we lost power and I was out of work for a few days…so I’m just getting around to it now.

I broke up with Gilmore.

Yeah, I did.  It probably comes as a surprise, considering that he made me so swoony and I was so happy at some points.  But Gilmore came over a few Fridays ago and we were hanging out.  As he was leaving, he was kissing me and the only thought I had was that I wanted him to get away from me as soon as possible.

The idea of this relationship not really working had been in my head, but every time that came up, I ignored it.  Then one of my friends excitedly asked me if Gilmore was The One for me.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he wasn’t.  I also realized that my feelings for him completely changed.  Those feelings from the early part of our relationship were gone.  I didn’t want to see him as much.  I didn’t want to be close to him.  And things that he did were making me crazy.  Basically, no matter what he did, he was making me nuts.  I was going to hold out on this for a while and make sure that I REALLY felt this way, because once I told him, I knew there would be no going back.  But the more I talked to him, the more I realized I was done.  He was talking about things we could do in October, things we could do during the wintertime and I didn’t want any part of those things.  I knew it had to end.

I went over to his house on Friday night and sat him down.  I explained that my feelings had changed – there was nothing that he said or did that caused it.  I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

He said that we could fix it.

I explained again that my feelings weren’t the same anymore and it wasn’t fair to him to be with him if I wasn’t all in.

Gilmore asked how much time I needed because he was willing to wait.

That’s when I got pissed at him.  because while he was hearing me, he wasn’t listening.  Then I told him that he needed to grow a pair and stop rolling over and taking it and finally stand up for himself.  Every time I told Gilmore that i was done, he’d say something to indicate that he was just willing to compromise himself for me.  He wasn’t getting it.

Gilmore then asked if I would tell him when those feelings came back.  I told Gilmore that they aren’t ever coming back.

Telling Gilmore that I didn’t have those hiney-tingle thoughts that I had before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  When 21 did this to me, I couldn’t understand how this could happen.  Now I get it.  It just…does.  And it hurts to have to do it to someone else, but the idea of just…lying to him and going through the motions and not being all in hurt more.

I know that Gilmore was into me.  I know this because of the way he acted and because he flat out told me (more than once) that he loved me.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn’t feel that way and I wasn’t ready to feel that way, but here he is, telling me how much he loves me.  I begged him not to tell me that again, but he would.  Telling someone that is that into you that you aren’t into them?  It’s painful.  I could see how much it hurt him.  But in the end, it was for the best.

Now all the anxiety I had regarding telling him that I was done is gone.  I feel so much better now.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  While it’s been an adjustment to not have someone to hang out with all the time and not have someone that cares about what I’m doing, it’s also so much better.  I’m no longer creating reasons why I can’t hang out with him.  I’m no longer dodging text messages or explaining that i can’t hang out with him 4 days a week.

I wasn’t all in for this relationship.  I know that I’m better than this.  I know that I’ll find someone that I’m just bananas about and I’ll feel that way forever – not for only 4 months.

So I’m back to being just me.  I’m okay with it.  I have more time for me, more time for my friends and more time to just…be.  Which is fine.  And when I’m ready to move on, then I’ll be ready.  Until then, I’ll just be Sarah.  Singular.

Reasons for doing things

As I may have mentioned a few times, I’m in another wedding.  That’s the second wedding that I’m in this year and the fourth wedding that I will be attending.

Are you jealous yet?  because you should be.

And I’ve debated on writing this post, but since what has happened as of late, I couldn’t NOT write it.  And yes, I run the risk of having The Bride read it, but I know she won’t (this the noise the universe makes when I shoot myself in the foot).

I am in this wedding with two of my very good friends – Karen and Pam.  And The Bride asked Pam to be her maid of honor and Karen and I to be bridesmaids.  We all agreed, because…well, I think that’s what you are supposed to do.  Then the first bomb dropped – the wedding is on a Thursday.  I’m going to repeat that – THE WEDDING IS ON A THURSDAY.  And this isn’t on a Thursday in a tropical location nice destination wedding.  Uh no.  This is on a Thursday in the next town over.  Thursday at 3 PM.  Now, all of us work.  Pam is a teacher and a coach, I work a few towns over and Karen works in New York.  So this is already a problem.  Mostly because we all have to take a day off of work to attend this…debacle.  This nonsense occasion.  And before you say “hey, I bet it’s really cheap to have a wedding on a Thursday!” please know that she is having the wedding AND the reception at the church.  So.  I don’t think cost is a factor.  Did I mention it’s a dry wedding?  DID I MENTION SHE’S MARRYING A 20 YEAR OLD?  DID I MENTION THESE THINGS?

Sorry – got a little heated there.  Back to my point

But you know what?  We all took the day off from work.  We all bought the ugly bridesmaid dress.  We all chipped in and bought her a nice down comforter for her bridal shower.  We put the whole shower together and it was NICE.

Then things got worse.  The Bride attended the shower and was just tearing through presents.  She wasn’t saying who gave her the present, she wasn’t saying what the present was.  So I was prompting her and that was going nowhere.  Furthermore, she was opening gifts and then saying that she didn’t really want whatever gift it was, her finance just registered for it.  FAILURE ALL AROUND.  When The Bride left, she didn’t thank anyone.  She didn’t thank her guests, the bridesmaids for throwing the shower OR the family that allowed us to have the shower in their house.

She then drops the next bomb on us.  Yes, there will be a rehearsal and such.  What time is this event?  Oh, 4:30 on Wednesday?  That’s totally a reasonable time.  Oh wait, you’re at work at that time?  OH IMAGINE THAT.  Her telling us that totally pushed all of us over the edge.  Because now it’s gone beyond just one day off of work.  It’s more than us just taking a vacation day for a stupid reason.  Now she wants us to take another day just because she has decided 4:30 is an appropriate time for this.

My level of tolerance towards her has dropped to zero.  Because now she’s just being selfish.  She works part time, so she expects that we’ll all be able to just drop our lives to attend this hillbilly wedding.  But the more I think about it, my annoyance goes beyond the vacation days and the ugly dress and the nonsense bullshit.

It boils down to the fact that she’s being so rude to the maid of honor.  To the teacher that needs to take a day off from school to do this.  Because how many useable weekends in September are there?  ALL OF THEM, that’s how many.  She’s being so rude and disrespectful to someone that I consider more of a sister than a friend.  So I told Pam on Friday that I’m in this wedding for her.  I could care less about The Bride.  But I’m doing this because I couldn’t leave her alone to deal with The Bride and all that comes along with it.

So I’m doing this: smiling, posing for pictures, pretending to care, getting all dressed up, buying things I won’t ever wear again, agreeing to stuff I think is horrible and keeping my mouth shut the entire time.

And why?  Because friends stick together.  And when this is done? I’m out.

Soon to be 66% done with weddings for the year. Hopefully

This weekend is my friend Tessa’s wedding. It’s really hard to believe that she’s getting married. It feels like yesterday that she was getting engaged. I was so thrilled when she did get engaged because she is so in love. It’s adorable. Even at Cashelle’s wedding, they were both so in love. And for people that love each other in the way that those two do, you want them to have the greatest wedding ever. I’ve seen a lot of people that are madly in love get married recently and it warms my cold heart.

I also find it hard to believe that it’s time for Tessa’s wedding because of where I am. When I went to Vermont with 21 back in March, we talked about going to Tessa’s wedding. He met both Tessa and Aaron and liked them. He said that he was looking forward to going to their wedding. With me. In July. On our drive home from the house, we talked about having an extended weekend and doing fun stuff up in Vermont. It seemed like a reality at that point. It never crossed my mind that we wouldn’t be together then, because things were going SO well and we had such a stable relationship. But as we all know – apparently not.

Now that time is here. Everything has changed so much. Now I’m going to a wedding with a boy that thinks the world of me. He’s excited to meet my friends and tells me how lovely I will look when I’m all done up. But it’s still weird. Because this isn’t how I imagined it would be going.

When I say that, it sounds bad. It sounds like I don’t want to go with Gilmore. I DO though. It’s just – I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But when you imagine something one way and it turns out another way, sometimes the first way still lingers. I didn’t think I would ever be saying the things I say to Gilmore. I didn’t think I would feel like I do about him. But I do. It’s hard to explain how things are between us. Because the last time I felt like this, it was probably unjustified. And then Gilmore came into my life. He makes me feel like I’m the only person that exists that matters. He tells me the nicest things about myself. He’s supportive and kind and he listens to what I have to say. He’s thoughtful. He cares about things. He’s just…normal. He’s a normal person, with all the normal person things that come along with it. he’s got faults, like we all do. Yet, I’m not holding him to that same standard that I held 21 too (see? LEARNING. Learning from my mistakes). I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my brain that 21 was too good for me. That’s a bad thought to have and I shouldn’t have had that. I don’t feel like that with Gilmore. I feel like we’re equals.

And part of it is just…me feeling awkward and weird. Because I feel like every time I’ve seen Tessa and Cashelle in the past year or so, I’ve been with some other guy. Then I introduce this guy to two girls that mean the world to me…only to have him not stick around. And there they are, being married to lovely, lovely men. I just feel like I’m still a child while they are adults. I don’t know where this idea comes from, but there is it. Staring me in the face.

Writing this down (or typing, as it might be) is going to help me push this idea out of my head. What happened, happened. I know this. I don’t want to change what’s happened to me in the past few months because it’s been wonderful. I’ve had some nasty things come my way, but I haven’t let them hold me down. I’ve stumbled and had Super Sad Sarah Moments, but I’m getting around them. Every dumb thing I’ve done has led me to this person, this moment, this feeling. I can’t complain about that.

So I’m going to a wedding this weekend. A wedding of two people that love each other more than I could imagine anyone could love anyone else. A wedding where I will get to see two of my close friends from college and we’ll all be together again. A wedding where I can say “This is Gilmore. I think he’s going to sticking around for a while”

While I didn’t think this is where I would be… I’m happy with where I am.

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