Oh hello, I’m still alive

I haven’t blogged in, well, forever, because I feel like I have nothing to say.  And that’s not true at all.  It’s more like I have nothing to bitch about, so what do I have to write about?

Because in my mind, the people that read my blog only want to hear me complain about things.  NO THIS IS NOT CORRECT.

Things have been…crazy.  Chaotic.  It was a long, weird summer.  After my grandma was diagnosed with lymphoma and then had the stroke, things because very tense.  She was in the hospital, then in the ICU, then in a rehab place, then in a nursing home and now, FINALLY, she’s home.  But she’s not the same as she was before, as would be expected.  So it’s hard.  sometimes she’s like the person she was – she will make funny faces and wink at us and laugh at our jokes.  And sometimes, it’s like she’s not there at all.  She’s making such great progress though, and there’s no more lymphoma, so those are things to be really thrilled about.  My grandma is a tough lady, so I had no doubts she would make it through all of this.

And after that, my summer, my fall has been amazing.  Honestly.  I’ve been dating the most wonderful, amazing, perfect man.  Perfect for me, at least.  I didn’t think it would work with us in the beginning – he seemed too nice, I’m too harsh.  But it did work.  Mostly because once I got to know him, I realized that I didn’t want to destroy his life.  In fact, I want him to stay in my life as long as he can.

There’s something so different about things between us.  I fell for him so hard and so fast that it’s difficult to believe we haven’t even been together for 6 months yet.  But I know that things between us are far from over.  He brings out the best in me and helps me see the best in myself.  He’s kind and loving and thinks the world of me.  And I think the world of him.  I didn’t think I could feel this way about someone.  And yet, I smile all the time when I talk about him.  My pulse still races when I know I’m going to see him.  Every time he looks at me in a certain way, I feel more loved than I ever have before.  There are things about our relationship that go so much deeper than any other relationship before.

For his birthday, I surprised him at his house with dinner and a birthday cake.  The look on his face when he came through the door and realized that I was there was the best look anyone has ever given me.  That made it all worth it.  I realized that I wanted to surprise him for his birthday because I knew how happy it would make him.  He still talks about it, how great it was, how he had the most amazing birthday ever.

All I can think is that I’m so incredibly lucky to have met him, to have him in my life.  I’m so happy that I found him.  That he found me.  That we made our way to each other.  My face hurts from smiling all the time.  I am the most disgusting relationship girl that has ever existed.

And my god, do I love it.

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HI BABY

On Monday, my cousin gave birth to the cutest little baby I’ve ever seen, Alec Nicholas.  I’m not just saying that because he’s related to me.  I’m saying that because OMG CUTE BABY.

It’s kind of weird to have a baby in the family.  It’s been so long since anyone on either side had a baby.  My youngest cousin is now 8 years old.  When he was born, I was kind of distracted by other things (specifically my grandpa dying of cancer) so I really didn’t care much about him.  Also I was 19 and could have cared less about babies.

Now I’m 26 and a lot of people I know are having babies.  It’s that time in people’s lives.  I do not want this for myself – but I’m fine with it for others.  So now that the Nugget (as I call him) has hit the scene, there’s at least a baby for me to adore and then hand back to his parents.

I guess it’s just weird too because I grew up with my cousin.  We’ve always been close.  It’s weird to think that the girl that I used to play dress up with now has a little person to take care of.   It means that she’s really an adult, as opposed to being half of one before.  She’s got a family of her own now.  And that’s…strange.

But babies?  With their tiny shoes and tiny onesies and OMG CHILDREN’S BOOKS?  Fabulous.  Babies wearing belts on pants, even though they don’t walk?  I LOVE IT.  I go from being angry and cynical to being a pile of love whenever I see a baby.  I realized why the other day.  Babies have no idea of the bad in the universe.  Everything to them is shiny happy good times.  They don’t know that people are mean and hateful and awful to each other.  They eat, sleep and poop.  That’s all they do.  They love it.  They love it without even knowing there’s so much more to the world.

Welcome to the universe, Alec Nicholas.  My little Nugget.  You’re going to be shown the best of the best.  And we’re all so glad that you’re here.

When you don’t have enough for an entire post…

You just go with bullets and hope that you have enough random nonsense for an entire post.  Right?  Yes.

  • Today is one of those days where it’s so hot that you sweat just by existing.  I got out of the shower and I was already sweating.  Just ew
  • Puppy Duke fractured his toe.  I don’t even know how he did it, but now he’s all jacked up on painkillers and limping around and it’s the saddest thing ever.  It will take 3 weeks for his foot to heal, so we just have to keep the 6 month old puppy calm until then.  Oh yes, that’s a piece of cake.
  • Went to a wedding this weekend with Gilmore.  One of his friends was getting married and honestly?  The most adorable wedding ever.  Mike and Casey love each other so much it hurts.  You can tell they are going to be together forever and still love each other as much every day as they did on Saturday.  The wedding was great and the reception was even better.
  • Another thing I love?  The fact that Gilmore’s friends have just taken me in like I totally belong.  They’re all so nice to me and tell Gilmore how wonderful I am.  Which is true – i AM wonderful.
  • I’ve been doing a lot of baking lately – which I love.  It always makes me happy.
  • It’s hard to believe it’s July.  I don’t know where time goes anymore.
  • Things at my house are settling down now, after last week’s discovery with my dad.  My parents were in Vermont for the weekend and I think that really helped them to settle down and realize that we can handle this.
  • Oh, and my dad has Lyme now too.  As an added bonus.
  • This weekend is my cousin’s baby shower.  It’s hard to believe that the baby could be born really any time now – her due date is the end of July/beginning of August.  I’m so excited for this baby to come along.  Like, really.  I can’t wait for the new baby.  It’s been a while since there’s been a baby in the family.  And now I’m at an age where I care about babies
  • The baby shower on the other hand?  It’s a disaster.  And not in a “wow, this is going to be a terrible shower” sort of way, but more in a “what have you done with this?” sort of way.  My uncle’s wife is coordinating everything and instead of going low key (which is what my cousin wants), we’re having a random lunch at this place that is charging us $40/person and she asked my cousin’s husband for money to help cover the costs of this thing.  My uncle’s wife invited all these random people that my cousin doesn’t even really know and it’s just spiraled out of control.  So – that will be fun on Sunday, right?
  • This is the last weekend home before I’ve got two back to back weekends in Vermont.  And then it’s Tessa’s wedding.  It’s hard to believe that time is already here.
  • Also?  Cape Cod vacation is right around the corner.  Holy cow, how did that happen?
  • Neither my manager nor the VP of the department are in the office today…which leaves me in charge.  That’s kind of scary.

Yesterday was…not so good

Here’s the thing about my dad – he’s a real dude.  That’s the only way to put it.  He doesn’t flinch away from pain, he only goes to the doctor when he’s like, dying and getting stitches?  No big deal to him.  He takes out his own stitches if he can.  He’s hardcore.  He’s just…I don’t know.  He’s really pretty healthy, considering how hard he works.  My dad is a landscaper.  He plows snow and delivers wood in the winter.  He’s a busy guy and he works himself to the bone, but I know he loves it.

Plus, he can buy big trucks and then drive them around. BONUS.

My dad had some sort of lump in his neck.  The doctor found it during my dad’s physical.  Thankfully, my mom works with an endocrinologist, and we were able to get him an appointment right away.  They biopsied the lump.  As it turns out, my dad has thyroid cancer.

It could be worse.  It could be much worse.  But it’s the C word.  My grandpa died of the C word.  And it’s terrifying to all of us.  But they will remove his thyroid and he’ll (hopefully) be okay.

I’m having a hard time with this.  Maybe because no matter what has happened to my dad, he’s always been fine.  It’s never really required anything major and he bounces back quickly.  But having his thyroid removed?  That’s not going to be easy on him and it’s not going to be easy for us.  My dad does not take to “bed rest” well.  He doesn’t sit still – unless it’s 11 PM and he’s fallen asleep in his chair.  He doesn’t ever take time off from work (save for 1 week in August to go to Cape Cod) and he’ll never admit defeat.

Things will be different around my house for a while.  My dad hasn’t told my grandma what’s going on yet – and we haven’t really told anyone outside of my mom and my brother.  My dad knows that he needs to tell everyone what’s going on.  And I know that no matter how insane my family is (which is very insane), they will pull together and be so supportive that it will be disgusting.  I know my uncles will pitch in and my aunts will come to visit and we’ll have everyone we need around us.  We’re a family, and we stick together.

It’s still scary.  Things could still go badly.  But we’ll be okay.  We always are.  And my dad?  He’s one tough dude.

Lesson Learned

This weekend (I feel like I start every post this way because I do nothing interesting during the week and all my fun goes down after 5 PM on Friday), I went back to the house in Vermont. The house in Vermont that I last visited with 21. The house that has been in my family for years.

This house is more than special to me. My grandpa and my uncles built this house. I’ve been going up to this house since before I can even remember. We’ve had so many weekends at the house. So many vacations. Summer, winter, spring – doesn’t matter. We’ve been there. I’ve watched the house grow from a tiny little cabin that we could all just barely fit into with one room upstairs filled with bunk beds to a house with a basement. It now has 4 bedrooms and a loft. There’s two bathrooms (THANK GOD) and a huge kitchen. The house is meant for us to be there. It’s meant for fun. You hang out there and play Trouble and Sorry all day long. You sit on the deck and drink coffee in the mornings. You stand upstairs in the giant picture window and just take it all in.

Every time I’m there, memories of my grandpa come back. He built the house. It’s a memorial to him in a way.

I’ve always been selective about who I bring up to the house. I’ve brought up some of my friends (Karen, you’re next), but only my close ones. I spent a wonderful weekend there with my Alfred girls and their mens. The people that I’ve brought are the ones that I want to share this place with. It’s beyond words. The second we start driving up the driveway, I feel different. I feel like it’s all good as long as I’m there.

So I brought 21 there. He was (at the time) important to me and the house always is important to me. I figured I should let him in on what I consider to be the best place I’ve ever been. I took him to the local diner we love. I drove him around Castleton. We laughed at all the books on the shelves. We slept in my favorite room in the house.

Then he had to go and decide to not date me anymore. Because that’s how he wanted to be. He left me crying in the driveway. Since then, I don’t cry about him anymore. I really barely even think about him. But that was before this weekend.  That was until I saw the last entry in the guestbook was 21 thanking my family for letting us use the house and saying that he hoped he could come up again sometime. I then struggled with where I should sleep that night. Did I sleep in my favorite room because it’s MY favorite room? Or do I sleep somewhere else, so I don’t get upset that the last time I was in that bed was with 21?

I slept in my bed in my favorite room. I tried not to think of him. I woke up the next morning and went to the diner with my family. I tried not to think of him. Every little stupid moment that brought 21 back to me, I tried to ignore. It was hard. It was difficult to ignore how I felt. I’ve always associated that house with good feelings. But to go back and feel like crying because of it all? That was unfair.

But after all that, I realized something. I’m not bringing just any boy to that house anymore. It’s just too special to me. The house, the room, the nonsense shit on the walls – all of it means too much to me to share with anyone I’m not totally crazy for. I know that now. And while I wish I could take back our visit to the HPL, I can’t. I’m kicking myself for bringing 21 up there in the first place, but how was I to know what would happen less than 2 weeks later? I’ve learned now. I know. 21 has now ruined it for every other guy that I will date. Until I know that the guy I’m bring up there is just as crazy for me as I am for him? He’s not invited. It’s girls only at the HPL.

Friday night overthinking

I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking lately. Mostly because now I have a whole lot of time. And there’s something that I really wasn’t ready to admit to myself or anyone else until tonight. I was talking with Lilo (as I do often) and she mentioned something. I was saying how sad I was about 21 – because I am still sad. It’s hard not to be sad when something that’s great ends. She then said that she knew that I always liked 21 and that was never in question. But she said that I never loved him.

And she’s right. I didn’t. The more that I think about it, I don’t know if that passion was there. He was wonderful. He was kind and polite and lovely. I was crazy for him and for a while, he was really crazy for me. But, I don’t think the spark was there for us to fall in love. I was waiting for some sign – any sign – that he was the one.

It never happened. He’s not the one. I’m okay with that – or I will be.

I think when I went to Vermont with 21, I was waiting for that moment. I was waiting for the moment when we’d look at each other and I would feel that feeling. Because every time I kissed 21, while it was great? It wasn’t like kissing the guy that I loved. It was just nice. But there weren’t butterflies. There was excitement. There were hiney tingles. But never did I think that it was the most perfect kiss in the history of everything.

I had to admit that. Out loud. Or on my blog. Whatever. I needed to say in some way or another that I did not love 21. And I’m not even sure that’s something I could of done. That’s no fault of my own or of his. He was great. He really was. But he didn’t have everything that I needed. I know that.

It was little things. I don’t think that he could have dealt with my family. I don’t know that he would have been as tolerant of Jamie as I would like. He was a little in the dark about how people deal with being depressed.

Maybe those last 2 hit me the most. The idea of someone that I cared for really deeply and could see myself with not treating Jamie well tore me apart. It was a passing fear, but I had it. I was seriously worried that while this guy would open doors for me when we went out and make me epic Saturday morning breakfasts, he would treat Jamie like a lesser person. I was scared of that. 21 wasn’t exposed to the same things I was. Hell, I would even go as far to say that he had it easy growing up (not that I didn’t, but you know, he kind of had everything handed to him) and I just don’t think he knows how to deal with things. Jamie being one of those things. Him being a dick to Jamie is enough to get him cut out of my life completely. I wouldn’t even think twice about it.

When we were up in Vermont, we were watching SNL and they were talking about Charlie Sheen. 21 made a comment that Charlie Sheen is probably bipolar, then said something along the lines of the fact that it’s not that hard to treat people that are bipolar. He looked at me and asked me if I knew anyone that was bipolar and I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say because telling him about me would have changed things, I think. Telling him about how depressed I was for most of high school and college. Telling him that I dated a guy that treated me like absolute garbage just because I was at such a low point in my life that I didn’t get out. Telling him that I used to be unable to get out of bed in the morning because that was too much for me. That I had so much issues in high school that I don’t even remember half of what I did. Just the idea of telling him that I need a few pills just to keep me from toppling over some edge that I might not see? I couldn’t do that. And if I couldn’t admit to him the things that I’ve faced that make me that person I am today? How could I tell him anything?

Granted, who I was in high school isn’t who I am now. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. But that person made me who I am now. I am how I am because of what I’ve done and seen and said. To not share that closes off a piece of myself. If I can’t share myself entirely with him, what else would I hide?

There were pieces of myself that I kept hidden. There were things I didn’t say because the timing wasn’t right. Now I wonder if the timing would have ever been right for me to say what I had to. For me to tell him things about myself that I don’t talk about on the internet.

I’m still sad about 21. I will continue to be for a while because it was good. It was good when we were crazy for each other and couldn’t wait to see each other again. It was wonderful when he used to call me the sweetest names ever and smile when he saw me in the morning. It was fabulous when he used to come and surprise me at work and take me out to lunch just because he wanted to see me in the middle of the day. Those things won’t stop being great. But it’s not my reality. I’m not going to think about them anymore. I’m not going to hate them either. I’m going to file them away for when I need a good moment. When I feel low and shitty, I’m going to remember all the good that came from the past 6 months.

The more important thing to remember is that things didn’t work out with 21 for a reason. We’re not together for a reason. I know that the parts of the relationship that needed to be there for us to make it last were missing. That’s okay. It’s okay because this isn’t the end of my story at all. He’s just a small happy chapter – and I’ll be okay with that soon.

Weekend away

I know I just got back from vacation more or less…but I decided it was time for another weekend away. So 21 and I packed up my car and headed off to the house in Vermont.

I’m extremely lucky that my family is huge and insane and therefore owns this house in Vermont. The house is great – 4 bedrooms, a loft, 2 bathrooms, a giant wrap-around porch and enough entertainment to last for days. I had been talking about going for months now, but 21 and I finally nailed down a date that worked for both of us. I know 21 has been beyond stressed out at work, so I figured a weekend away from all of that would be good for him.

Besides, there’s no internet access at the house, so he couldn’t have worked if he wanted to. Also, I would have yelled at him if he did.

So instead we had an epic game-off of weekend proportions: Trouble, Bananagrams, Up-Words, Sorry (but not good Sorry, some weirdo bastardized version), Go Fish, War, Old Maid, Apples to Apples and some weirdo game called Zobmondo.

(Zobmondo related aside: This game gives you two really terrible options and then asks you to pick which one is not quite as terrible. Then everyone else that is playing has to figure out which answer you chose. One of the questions was: On a first date, would you rather take a giant poo in your date’s toilet and have it not flush OR vomit in your date’s new car? The girls all have gone with vomit. The boys went with the poo option. Because of course they did)

We left on Thursday night. It was raining – but not hard. I was a little concerned that the rain would pick up and I would have a meltdown about driving. But the rain was fine and we made pretty good time all the way up there.

We stopped in Lake George to get some beer before getting to the house. What good would a roaring fire be without some cold beers to enjoy with it?

NO GOOD, THAT’S WHAT.

We had our beer, made our way to the house…and I’ve never been so excited to get someplace as I was when we got to the house. It was so great to be there, to be able to relax and realize that if someone needed me to do something for them…they would have to wait until Sunday.

Otherwise, the weekend was filled with doing nothing. We went to a local place for breakfast on Friday morning and drove around the little towns surrounding the house. We read books. We waited for a friend from college and her man to come and visit us. We went to the store, grilled pizzas and drank more beer. We were in our pajamas until about 3 PM on Saturday afternoon. We went out to dinner and then came home and watched Saturday Night Live. We talked. We laughed. We drank.

It was one of the most relaxing weekends that I’ve had in god knows how long. I didn’t have to be anywhere or answer to anyone. Plus, 21 was there.

It was a big weekend for us because it was the longest amount of time that we’ve ever spent with each other. We were together non-stop from Thursday at 7 PM until Sunday 7 PM. I never wanted to push him in front of a moving train either.

Actually, I think I like him more now. That really says a lot about my feelings for him. I knew that if I wanted him to stop breathing on Sunday that our relationship wouldn’t work. But now it’s Monday and I’m still wishing we were in Vermont.

We’re getting comfortable with each other. We say more and more ridiculous things. I’m starting to stop even questioning things about him because I trust him. I know this can come back and bite me. But so far – so far, it’s nothing but goodness. I’m nothing but crazy for him and he’s nothing but wonderful to me.

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