If this was a football game, it would be time for a pep-talk right now.

Here’s the thing about 2012 – it has not been the best to me.  really.  I’ve not had a good 3 months.

It started out when I had some sort of mini flu when I was in Atlanta for New Years.  So instead of going out and watching fireworks with friends, I was at my friend’s apartment.  On an air mattress.  I had shaking chills, a fever, and generally felt like death.  HAPPY NEW YEAR.

At that point, I should have known that there was no good way for this to go.  But I was optimistic.  Because you know, one bad day does not equal a lifetime of bad days.  Again – I was wrong.  After my illness in Atlanta, I had pink eye in both eyes.  And then strep throat.  I was in sad shape.

But I recovered!  As I knew I would.  And after that I was hitting the gym a lot and working out and lifting weights…and then my back started bothering me.  Like really bothering me.  I figured it was something with my sciatic nerve and didn’t think much else of it.  I was taking anti-inflammatory drugs and then I stopped working out so hard.  Then my back felt better and I went back to working out full tilt.

Until my back started hurting more.  And worse.  Two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night because I was having a back spasm.  I made an appointment to see my doctor right away.  She did x-rays, which showed nothing.  She sent me to the orthopedist.  And off I went.  He ordered an MRI.  And then my foot went numb.  I cannot feel part of my foot.  If I wasn’t alarmed because my back was screaming, I was alarmed after that.

I’ve come to find out that I have a severely herniated disc in my back.  And one of the nerves is being pinched, so that’s why I have no feeling in my foot.  I’m glad that I know what’s wrong with me…but at the same time, it’s kind of like, really?  Really right now?

I was putting money in my FSA, thinking that I would get a new pair of glasses this year.  But after paying for the x-rays and the co-pays and the MRIs, I will be lucky if I have any extra money left.  It’s frustrating because at this point, It seems like there is nothing I can do.  I do have an appointment to see a physical therapist and that should help.  But I’m just sad now.

There’s not much I can do.  I would go for a walk, but with my numb foot, I just kind of limp along.  I can’t really lift anything – or shouldn’t really lift anything.  I only just recently was able to fall asleep without the help of the muscle relaxers.  I’m broken.  That’s what it comes down to.

At the same time, I’m lucky that I can afford to go to the doctors.  I’m glad that I pushed an issue that was bothering me and it wasn’t just something stupid.  And most importantly, while this is a serious thing, it’s not that serious.  I’m not going to die.  I’m not going to have to have my legs chopped off. I  just have to take it easy and let myself heal (or at least that’s what I’m hoping to do)

A post that’s been a while in coming

So I meant to post about this last week.  But then Irene came through and we lost power and I was out of work for a few days…so I’m just getting around to it now.

I broke up with Gilmore.

Yeah, I did.  It probably comes as a surprise, considering that he made me so swoony and I was so happy at some points.  But Gilmore came over a few Fridays ago and we were hanging out.  As he was leaving, he was kissing me and the only thought I had was that I wanted him to get away from me as soon as possible.

The idea of this relationship not really working had been in my head, but every time that came up, I ignored it.  Then one of my friends excitedly asked me if Gilmore was The One for me.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he wasn’t.  I also realized that my feelings for him completely changed.  Those feelings from the early part of our relationship were gone.  I didn’t want to see him as much.  I didn’t want to be close to him.  And things that he did were making me crazy.  Basically, no matter what he did, he was making me nuts.  I was going to hold out on this for a while and make sure that I REALLY felt this way, because once I told him, I knew there would be no going back.  But the more I talked to him, the more I realized I was done.  He was talking about things we could do in October, things we could do during the wintertime and I didn’t want any part of those things.  I knew it had to end.

I went over to his house on Friday night and sat him down.  I explained that my feelings had changed – there was nothing that he said or did that caused it.  I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

He said that we could fix it.

I explained again that my feelings weren’t the same anymore and it wasn’t fair to him to be with him if I wasn’t all in.

Gilmore asked how much time I needed because he was willing to wait.

That’s when I got pissed at him.  because while he was hearing me, he wasn’t listening.  Then I told him that he needed to grow a pair and stop rolling over and taking it and finally stand up for himself.  Every time I told Gilmore that i was done, he’d say something to indicate that he was just willing to compromise himself for me.  He wasn’t getting it.

Gilmore then asked if I would tell him when those feelings came back.  I told Gilmore that they aren’t ever coming back.

Telling Gilmore that I didn’t have those hiney-tingle thoughts that I had before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  When 21 did this to me, I couldn’t understand how this could happen.  Now I get it.  It just…does.  And it hurts to have to do it to someone else, but the idea of just…lying to him and going through the motions and not being all in hurt more.

I know that Gilmore was into me.  I know this because of the way he acted and because he flat out told me (more than once) that he loved me.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn’t feel that way and I wasn’t ready to feel that way, but here he is, telling me how much he loves me.  I begged him not to tell me that again, but he would.  Telling someone that is that into you that you aren’t into them?  It’s painful.  I could see how much it hurt him.  But in the end, it was for the best.

Now all the anxiety I had regarding telling him that I was done is gone.  I feel so much better now.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  While it’s been an adjustment to not have someone to hang out with all the time and not have someone that cares about what I’m doing, it’s also so much better.  I’m no longer creating reasons why I can’t hang out with him.  I’m no longer dodging text messages or explaining that i can’t hang out with him 4 days a week.

I wasn’t all in for this relationship.  I know that I’m better than this.  I know that I’ll find someone that I’m just bananas about and I’ll feel that way forever – not for only 4 months.

So I’m back to being just me.  I’m okay with it.  I have more time for me, more time for my friends and more time to just…be.  Which is fine.  And when I’m ready to move on, then I’ll be ready.  Until then, I’ll just be Sarah.  Singular.

Dreaming

I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about 21. Because honestly, it’s no good for me. So whenever I do, I shove it out of my mind and think about something else.

But last night? I dreamed of him. I dreamed that he was dating some other girl. And he didn’t really like this other girl, so he told me that we were better off together. I don’t know if we got back together in the dream, but I woke up and thought that everything was as it was.

It wasn’t.

It’s like I don’t understand why my brain would do this to me. When I dream about things I want that I can’t have – a new car, a new life, perfect hair – I’m not upset when I wake up and realize that I don’t have those things. So what my hair isn’t perfect? I’m..still blonde? But those are small things. But when I dream of ex-boyfriends, I always wake up being more upset than I was days before. It’s really interesting that all it takes is a dream of an ex.

There’s really only 2 boyfriends that I’ve dreamed of: recently, 21 and then? The most evil of all ex-boyfriends. I dream about the most evil of all ex-boyfriends more than I’d like to admit. When I dream of him, he’s the guy that I dated that made me laugh, not the evil douche he turned out to be. In these dreams, the guys do what I always wanted them to do and not whatever they actually did.

Just writing about it makes me feel better. I can dream about things all I want. It’s not my reality. I need to keep remembering that. What people do in my dreams is not how they act in real life. People can do terrible things and be terrible, but in my dreams, everyone is nice and sunshiney and lovely. That’s not how things work.

So I can dream every night that 21 is going to realize he made a mistake…but I need to realize he’s not. And I need to remember how the spark wasn’t there. Because without a spark, there’s nothing. He was great. Now he’s gone.

Now I’m going to move on.

In absolutely unrelated news, here’s the new addition
Meet puppy Duke.  He’s a coonhound/bloodhound mix and just about the cutest thing you’ll ever see.  He’s currently a little too big for himself…but we love him anyway.  Thank you for being around, Duke.  At least I have something to squeeze.

Friday night overthinking

I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking lately. Mostly because now I have a whole lot of time. And there’s something that I really wasn’t ready to admit to myself or anyone else until tonight. I was talking with Lilo (as I do often) and she mentioned something. I was saying how sad I was about 21 – because I am still sad. It’s hard not to be sad when something that’s great ends. She then said that she knew that I always liked 21 and that was never in question. But she said that I never loved him.

And she’s right. I didn’t. The more that I think about it, I don’t know if that passion was there. He was wonderful. He was kind and polite and lovely. I was crazy for him and for a while, he was really crazy for me. But, I don’t think the spark was there for us to fall in love. I was waiting for some sign – any sign – that he was the one.

It never happened. He’s not the one. I’m okay with that – or I will be.

I think when I went to Vermont with 21, I was waiting for that moment. I was waiting for the moment when we’d look at each other and I would feel that feeling. Because every time I kissed 21, while it was great? It wasn’t like kissing the guy that I loved. It was just nice. But there weren’t butterflies. There was excitement. There were hiney tingles. But never did I think that it was the most perfect kiss in the history of everything.

I had to admit that. Out loud. Or on my blog. Whatever. I needed to say in some way or another that I did not love 21. And I’m not even sure that’s something I could of done. That’s no fault of my own or of his. He was great. He really was. But he didn’t have everything that I needed. I know that.

It was little things. I don’t think that he could have dealt with my family. I don’t know that he would have been as tolerant of Jamie as I would like. He was a little in the dark about how people deal with being depressed.

Maybe those last 2 hit me the most. The idea of someone that I cared for really deeply and could see myself with not treating Jamie well tore me apart. It was a passing fear, but I had it. I was seriously worried that while this guy would open doors for me when we went out and make me epic Saturday morning breakfasts, he would treat Jamie like a lesser person. I was scared of that. 21 wasn’t exposed to the same things I was. Hell, I would even go as far to say that he had it easy growing up (not that I didn’t, but you know, he kind of had everything handed to him) and I just don’t think he knows how to deal with things. Jamie being one of those things. Him being a dick to Jamie is enough to get him cut out of my life completely. I wouldn’t even think twice about it.

When we were up in Vermont, we were watching SNL and they were talking about Charlie Sheen. 21 made a comment that Charlie Sheen is probably bipolar, then said something along the lines of the fact that it’s not that hard to treat people that are bipolar. He looked at me and asked me if I knew anyone that was bipolar and I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say because telling him about me would have changed things, I think. Telling him about how depressed I was for most of high school and college. Telling him that I dated a guy that treated me like absolute garbage just because I was at such a low point in my life that I didn’t get out. Telling him that I used to be unable to get out of bed in the morning because that was too much for me. That I had so much issues in high school that I don’t even remember half of what I did. Just the idea of telling him that I need a few pills just to keep me from toppling over some edge that I might not see? I couldn’t do that. And if I couldn’t admit to him the things that I’ve faced that make me that person I am today? How could I tell him anything?

Granted, who I was in high school isn’t who I am now. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. But that person made me who I am now. I am how I am because of what I’ve done and seen and said. To not share that closes off a piece of myself. If I can’t share myself entirely with him, what else would I hide?

There were pieces of myself that I kept hidden. There were things I didn’t say because the timing wasn’t right. Now I wonder if the timing would have ever been right for me to say what I had to. For me to tell him things about myself that I don’t talk about on the internet.

I’m still sad about 21. I will continue to be for a while because it was good. It was good when we were crazy for each other and couldn’t wait to see each other again. It was wonderful when he used to call me the sweetest names ever and smile when he saw me in the morning. It was fabulous when he used to come and surprise me at work and take me out to lunch just because he wanted to see me in the middle of the day. Those things won’t stop being great. But it’s not my reality. I’m not going to think about them anymore. I’m not going to hate them either. I’m going to file them away for when I need a good moment. When I feel low and shitty, I’m going to remember all the good that came from the past 6 months.

The more important thing to remember is that things didn’t work out with 21 for a reason. We’re not together for a reason. I know that the parts of the relationship that needed to be there for us to make it last were missing. That’s okay. It’s okay because this isn’t the end of my story at all. He’s just a small happy chapter – and I’ll be okay with that soon.

The reason why Muffin is crying

So remember how my last post was all “Oh, 21 is so fabulous and we had such a great weekend and I’m absolutely stupid for him. SQUEEEEEEEE GIRL NOISES”?

Yeah, that doesn’t count anymore.

He invited himself over to my house after work on Monday. That’s how I knew something was up. He’s never done that before. Starting at 11 AM on that morning, I knew that he was going to end it. I didn’t think he was coming over to celebrate our anniversary early (I mean, not that I made a big deal about it, I just casually mentioned it in passing), but I had hope.

Hope was not enough. He came over around 8:45. 21 asked me to step outside with him. And then, in case I had any doubt, I knew for sure that he was going to tell me that he didn’t want to do this anymore.

He looked straight at me and told me that he didn’t feel like he used to do. He apologized for doing what he was doing and told me that he was a terrible person. I told him that he wasn’t. He told me I was one of the most awesome people he knew and he really liked spending time with me. He asked if in time, we could be friends. That’s when I fell apart. He was crying by that point too. I hugged him. Probably harder than I should. He apologized again and told me that he couldn’t stay. He got in his car and drove away.

Then I went in the house and I sobbed. Which is what I did for all of Monday night and most of Tuesday morning. My eyes were so swollen and hurt so bad from all the crying that I couldn’t get my contacts in. I woke up at 4 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep. Tuesday I was a wreck. I cried a lot. But Wednesday and Thursday, I kept my tears to a minimum. Last night I lost it in my cousin’s kitchen, while telling her what happened.

I knew that Fridays would be hard, as I spent most Friday nights at 21’s house. We would go out or stay in and watch a movie, but whatever we did, we laughed the whole time. He would hold my hand while we sat on the couch. He’d tell me how pretty I looked, even with my nerdy glasses on. And on Saturday mornings, he would get up and make us some sort of epic breakfast. He’d bring me coffee in bed, sometimes with advil if I had a hangover. 21 made me hot chocolate to take with me to the shelter on days that it was cold. He’d walk me to the car and kiss me and tell me that he had a wonderful night and he couldn’t wait to see me again.

Last night I realized none of those things would happen again. And it hurt. I know this could have been so much worse. We could have been madly in love. We could have been living together. We weren’t. In the end, my heart is bruised, not broken. But it doesn’t take the sting out of it. This entire thing blindsided me. I had no idea that he felt less for me than he did. True, he was talking to me less during the day, but I figured that was because he was working hard and didn’t have time to talk. I didn’t know it was because the passion he used to feel for me wasn’t there anymore.

In all honesty, I don’t think this is over. I think there’s parts of this story that still need to unfold. I was supposed to meet all his friends this weekend (they all live in Boston) when they came to visit him for his birthday. He mentioned that they were excited to meet me. But I was not there. I have a feeling that tonight or tomorrow, he’s going to come back around and say something.

Then again – maybe he won’t. And that’s okay. I don’t expect that he’s going to do that. I am not holding out for it, as I might have done in the past. He made the choice to end things. He knows that he made a mistake – I know that just from the way he was acting on Monday night. He realizes that I’m awesome – mostly because I am. The worst part is that I’m not even upset with him. I’m just so disappointed. I expected better from him. I expected to be able to see the signs when he thought he didn’t like me. But instead, he was going away with me to Vermont and making plans to meet his friends and talking about my friend’s weddings that I was going to. We talked about calling out of sick of work one nice day and going to the Bronx Zoo. We discussed further long weekends in Vermont. We talked about other things that were way far in advance – but we both knew that we liked each other. Or at least I thought we did. In the end, I guess that wasn’t the case.

I’ve grown up a lot with this relationship. When Alex and I ended everything, I went a little crazy. I couldn’t understand what was going on. But now, I realize it’s nothing to do with me. If someone doesn’t like me, there’s nothing I can do to convince them that yes, they want to be with me. They need to realize that on their own. And if they don’t? Then I’m not supposed to be with that person. I want to be with a person that wants to be with me. I had that wonderful, happy relationship for a while. It was perfect. And while 21 did do things from time to time that made me a little annoyed with him, the first really shitty thing that he did was tell me that he didn’t want to continue the relationship with me.

I’m going to give myself some time to be sad. I’m going to mourn what I had because I should. What I had was great. He was great. It’s over now and I can accept that. So I will give myself time to cry. I’ll allow myself to be upset over stupid things (like crying hysterically in the car when this song came on). I’m going to think of all the good moments that we had and I won’t forget them or let them become tainted by my sadness. I’m going to be sad for a while. I’m going to go into boy detox again. When I’m ready, I’ll start dating again. When I’m completely over him, I’ll try something new. I don’t know when that will be, but I know that I’m in no rush to ruin a relationship with anyone due to my inability to let the last one go. Maybe 21 and I will be friends in time. We did always have so much fun together.

Bruised, not broken. I just need to keep on saying that. My heart is bruised and not broken.

Ways not to start a vacation

As I type this, I’m in Manhattan, waiting for my best friend to come back from her run so that we can start our week long vacation.  We’re leaving for New Orleans today and from there, leaving for a cruise to Mexico on Monday.

But this week was not as wonderful as a pre-vacation week should be.  There were a few high points…but otherwise, it was not a good week.  I woke up on Sunday (after the Dog Prom) and I had the mother of all hangovers.  I should have known that I would have a monster hangover when I drank a straight glass of vodka.  But I don’t think that way.  So when I woke up on Sunday morning, even 21 could see that I was hurting.

Monday night I went over to 21’s house where he made us a really nice dinner and we watched a movie.  It was very relaxing and just the sort of day that I wanted.

Wednesday afternoon, I started feeling a little under the weather.  But I didn’t think that much of it.  I assumed I had just talked too much and my throat was hurting because of that.  WRONG.  I woke up on Thursday morning with a full blown cold.  Stuffy nose, sore throat, the whole 9 yards.  And the last thing you want to have before you go on a tropical vacation is a cold.  So I was less than pleased.  I’ve pumped myself full of all sorts of zinc and vitamin C in order to fix it…but no, not so much.  I felt terrible on Thursday night, which meant that I was unable to see 21 before I left.  Not that it’s a big deal – but I was looking foward to seeing him.

Friday should have been a good day.  Fancy Marketing Company always lets people out at 3 PM the day before the start of a 3 day weekend.  It’s very nice of them, actually.  So I knew I had to get everything done before 3 PM.  My department is finally back up to being fully staffed, so it wasn’t as big of a deal that I am going to be out next week.

I got so many things completed yesterday morning, a really sweet email from 21 and I was starting to feel a little bit better.  Until about 1:30.

My brother called me from the emergency vet.  One of our dogs (Jake) had been hit by a car.  He was breathing really heavily and they thought that maybe there was internal bleeding.  As Will was talking to me, they were bringing him in for an ultrasound.  I was upset, but I knew that they were going to take care of him.  So I kept on working.  Will called back a little while later.  Jake’s injuries were too great and he was going to have to be put to sleep.

I started crying at my desk.  It’s not something that I am proud of, but this is our dog.  Thankfully I work with a bunch of dog lovers and they were like “go – see the dog.  GO!”

As I was packing up all my stuff, my brother called and said that they were putting him down right that moment.  There was talk of bringing him to our normal vet so that he could put Jake down, but we decided the stress of that situation would be too much for him.  So they did it at the emergency vet.  I was crushed.  The last exchange that I had with Jake was me pointing at him and saying “you are a dumb-dumb”

So I drove home to see him one last time.  My dad and my brother were both there and they were both crying.  Sometimes it;s hard to imagine that a dog could mean so much.  But he has been ours since he was a puppy.  He was ours – even though he was dumb at times.  He was the best dog that he knew how to be.  Even if they had been able to save him, his quality of life would have been terrible.

I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon crying over that loss.  I know it’s kind of ridiculous to be that upset over the death of a dog.  But he was family.  Losing a member of the family, no matter how small, is hard.  And as one of my friends said, this was totally unexpected.  It would have been one thing if Jake was old and sick and we knew it was coming.  But he was young-ish – about 11.  And it wasn’t how I thought my weekend would play out.

And poor 21 had a bunch of messages on his phone like “my dog is at the emergency vet” and “my brother is being a real shithead” and “now they are putting the dog to sleep”.  He’s in Boston for the weekend and wasn’t even around to answer my messages.  Not that it’s his fault.

After I said my goodbyes to Jake, I jumped a train to Manhattan.  I met up with Karen and we got mani/pedis and ordered Thai food.  It was a nice, relaxing night in and everything was good.

I’m ready for this week of relaxation to begin.  this is the worst way ever to start a week off – so it just has to get better than this.

Sad Panda no more!

So maybe you might have noticed that I have not been a little ray of sunshine lately.  In fact, I’ve been downright hateful.  Not in an amusing, “Oh Sarah you adorable little scamp” way.  More in an “I will gut you like a fish way”.

Which isn’t funny when you say it out loud to other people.  So don’t do that.

Not that I have.  Yet.

But it’s Friday.  And the sun is out (again!)  and it’s almost the weekend.  So to make myself smile a little more, I started to think about things that are making me happy at the moment:

  • It’s Friday.  At almost 5 PM
  • My brother coming home from college for an entire week
  • the turkey sandwich I had at lunch
  • Getting the terrible conference call out of the way today.  I’m DONE with it now
  • The fact that spring isn’t that far off
  • Getting my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow.  nothing like it!
  • Dog Prom!  With 21 and friends!  And I will feel so pretty
  • New black heels that I will wear to said prom
  • In 8 days, I leave for New Orleans
  • In 10 days, I leave for Mexico
  • SUNSHINE FINALLY OMG
  • Sending out Valentine’s Day cards to some of my favorite people
  • Good workouts with my trainer (even though she’s breaking up with me)
  • This video of me taunting the cat.  And I wonder why he hates me.
  • Matt and Kim, followed by Modest Mouse on my iPod.
  • Wearing my ugg mocs into work, convention be damned!
  • Getting along with some of my coworkers really really well
  • The fact that this week is just about OVER
  • Changing out of my work clothes.  Awesome feeling
  • Knowing that my cranky mood is done for the time being and now everyone will want to be my friend…yayyyy

What’s making you happy in this moment?

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