Then there was that one time someone called me names

Okay, so remember how I wrote that post about how Gilmore and I were no longer friends on facebook?  And I said Facebook wasn’t real life?

It’s still not real life.  But things have changed.  And I’m going to admit some things about myself.  So be prepared.  The first thing that I am going to admit?  Sometimes, I facebook stalk people.  LISTEN, we all do it.  We all want to find out what that person we liked in high school is up to.  We all want to know more about an ex’s girlfriend.  It’s human nature.  Then you fall down the rabbit hole and next thing you know you’re looking at all 4,895 of someone’s pictures, trying to figure out what their deal is. That being said – I facebook stalked Gilmore.  We’re not friends, but I wanted to see what he was up to.  I AM A CURIOUS PERSON.

And through my stalking, I found out that Gilmore calls me Big Evil.  Like, that is my proper name.  He calls me Big Evil on Facebook.  Which is sort of funny, in and of itself.  I’m not really that evil.  I just told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore.  It’s not like I was seeing someone else or found someone else, it’s just that those feelings weren’t there anymore.  So in Gilmore’s world, being honest equals being evil.  Are we all squared away on that?  Good.

In addition, Gilmore is still friends with some of my friends on facebook.  So when they post pictures of me on facebook, he can see them.

And again, in his demented mind, I’m Big Evil.  Which means that he can say mean and nasty things about me on facebook.  Like saying in a roundabout way that I’m ugly and fat.  Which is just like…really?  Are you 13 years old?  That’s the best thing you can come up with?  ALSO ON FACEBOOK?  Mind you, he’s not telling me I’m ugly and fat.  He’s posting on his friend’s wall that should he ever say that his life is sucking right now, he should look at pictures of me and be reminded that it doesn’t.  Because he’s not with me anymore.

This just…what the fuck dude?  I’m not going to say anything to him because then I look like the freaky stalker (which maybe I am) and also because then it’s just feeding into his statements.  He wants me to notice.  But here’s the thing.  We broke up at the end of August.  We’re in the middle of January.  He’s still calling me the Big Evil.  He’s still saying that I’m a bad person.  it was MONTHS ago.  He’s still hung up on it.  He’s still saying insulting things about me to other people.  Which makes him look like a twat.  And honestly?  I’m sorry that I hurt his feelings.  I know it stings.  BUT it had to be done.  I was a mature adult about it.  I sat him down and explained it.  That was that.

And me?  I don’t regret my decision at all.  Him acting like a baby just makes me realize that I should have either left sooner or been meaner about it, since I’m the Big Evil anyway.  If someone’s going to call me that, I should have least done something to deserve it.

Since I’m being honest about the facebook stalking, I’ll be honest about my feelings.  I know it shouldn’t bother me.  Because he’s going for the low blow here.  But it hurt.  It hurt to have someone that supposedly “loved” me call me horrible things in a very public forum.  It hurt that he felt that is appropriate.  Right now, I’m not feeling too good about myself.  I’m feeling a little unpretty, a little overweight and you know, a lot low self esteem.  So for his comments to be said hit a little too close to home for me.

Which leaves me here.  Blogging about a stupid comment a stupid person left about me that wasn’t even to me.  Now I’m inspired though.  You want to call me fat?  That’s what you think is appropriate?  Screw you.  I’m back to the gym.  I’m working out.  And you know what?  I can fix fat.  Hell, you can even fix ugly.

There are things about him you can’t fix.  Things I won’t share on the internet, but know that they aren’t fixable.  There’s one big thing about him that can’t be fixed, no matter what you do.  All the plastic surgery, make-up and cover-ups can’t fix being ugly on this inside.  He has to live with that.

Is this real life?

As I’ve mentioned, Gilmore and I broke up.  I did the breaking up with him, but we remained friends on Facebook.  We also said that with time, we would maybe be friends in real life.  Like, hanging out friends.  But that was with time.  I know that it wouldn’t be for a while, possibly a few months.  I haven’t contacted him or said anything to him since the breakup.  I haven’t had anything to say.  I’ve remained silent and really, the head of the Frosty Ice Princess Alliance.

Lately I’ve been getting tired of his constant emo status updates, his whiney posts about nonsense and basically everything he had to say.  Also, I found myself being VERY concerned with whose wall he was posting to.  And I shouldn’t care about those things.  I broke up with him.  I cannot concern myself with what he’s doing.

I unfriended him today.  I unfriended him and all his friends.  Because I didn’t want to care and I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal.  After all, it’s not like FB is real life, right?

WRONG.

He wrote me this email because apparently he noticed that we were no longer friends – I’m not sure how.  He then proceeded to more or less say that I was a liar about saying that we can be friends.  He said that he was sorry for whatever he did and he wished that he knew what it was.

So this puts me in a spot.  I’m annoyed that he felt he needed to email me and say this.  I’m annoyed that his stalker ways led him to finding out that I wasn’t friends with him.  But the thing that annoys me most is that he’s making SUCH A BIG DEAL out of this.

(As if I’m not writing a blog post ranting about how annoyed I am that he’s upset that we’re no longer friends.  It’s my glass house and I’ll throw stones if I want to.)

Now I feel the need to defend myself and my reasoning for not being his friend.  On a social media website.  It’s really killing me not to, but I know I shouldn’t say anything to him.  This is my life I’m living, not his.  If I need to not see what he’s up to, then I’m entitled to do that.

And you know, as I’ve said about 17 times so far, it’s FACEBOOK.  it’s not real.  It’s make-believe.  I’m friends with people on there that I didn’t even like in high school.  I’m friends with people that I don’t even care about.  Some of my close personal friends aren’t even ON facebook, but that doesn’t mean that we’re not friends.  In real life.  As you do.

So he can be upset about it.  He can rant and rave and shout and say nasty things about me on facebook (as I’m sure he’s doing right now).  He can unfriend all my friends.  This childish behavior does not make me want to be friends with him.  If he acted like an adult…well, that would be one thing.  But acting like a 12 year old girl that’s all insulted that someone doesn’t want to brain your hair?  I’m done with that stage of my life.

And now?  I’m totally done with him.  No facebook friends.  No real life friends.  This chapter is closed.

A post that’s been a while in coming

So I meant to post about this last week.  But then Irene came through and we lost power and I was out of work for a few days…so I’m just getting around to it now.

I broke up with Gilmore.

Yeah, I did.  It probably comes as a surprise, considering that he made me so swoony and I was so happy at some points.  But Gilmore came over a few Fridays ago and we were hanging out.  As he was leaving, he was kissing me and the only thought I had was that I wanted him to get away from me as soon as possible.

The idea of this relationship not really working had been in my head, but every time that came up, I ignored it.  Then one of my friends excitedly asked me if Gilmore was The One for me.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he wasn’t.  I also realized that my feelings for him completely changed.  Those feelings from the early part of our relationship were gone.  I didn’t want to see him as much.  I didn’t want to be close to him.  And things that he did were making me crazy.  Basically, no matter what he did, he was making me nuts.  I was going to hold out on this for a while and make sure that I REALLY felt this way, because once I told him, I knew there would be no going back.  But the more I talked to him, the more I realized I was done.  He was talking about things we could do in October, things we could do during the wintertime and I didn’t want any part of those things.  I knew it had to end.

I went over to his house on Friday night and sat him down.  I explained that my feelings had changed – there was nothing that he said or did that caused it.  I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

He said that we could fix it.

I explained again that my feelings weren’t the same anymore and it wasn’t fair to him to be with him if I wasn’t all in.

Gilmore asked how much time I needed because he was willing to wait.

That’s when I got pissed at him.  because while he was hearing me, he wasn’t listening.  Then I told him that he needed to grow a pair and stop rolling over and taking it and finally stand up for himself.  Every time I told Gilmore that i was done, he’d say something to indicate that he was just willing to compromise himself for me.  He wasn’t getting it.

Gilmore then asked if I would tell him when those feelings came back.  I told Gilmore that they aren’t ever coming back.

Telling Gilmore that I didn’t have those hiney-tingle thoughts that I had before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  When 21 did this to me, I couldn’t understand how this could happen.  Now I get it.  It just…does.  And it hurts to have to do it to someone else, but the idea of just…lying to him and going through the motions and not being all in hurt more.

I know that Gilmore was into me.  I know this because of the way he acted and because he flat out told me (more than once) that he loved me.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn’t feel that way and I wasn’t ready to feel that way, but here he is, telling me how much he loves me.  I begged him not to tell me that again, but he would.  Telling someone that is that into you that you aren’t into them?  It’s painful.  I could see how much it hurt him.  But in the end, it was for the best.

Now all the anxiety I had regarding telling him that I was done is gone.  I feel so much better now.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  While it’s been an adjustment to not have someone to hang out with all the time and not have someone that cares about what I’m doing, it’s also so much better.  I’m no longer creating reasons why I can’t hang out with him.  I’m no longer dodging text messages or explaining that i can’t hang out with him 4 days a week.

I wasn’t all in for this relationship.  I know that I’m better than this.  I know that I’ll find someone that I’m just bananas about and I’ll feel that way forever – not for only 4 months.

So I’m back to being just me.  I’m okay with it.  I have more time for me, more time for my friends and more time to just…be.  Which is fine.  And when I’m ready to move on, then I’ll be ready.  Until then, I’ll just be Sarah.  Singular.

HI BABY

On Monday, my cousin gave birth to the cutest little baby I’ve ever seen, Alec Nicholas.  I’m not just saying that because he’s related to me.  I’m saying that because OMG CUTE BABY.

It’s kind of weird to have a baby in the family.  It’s been so long since anyone on either side had a baby.  My youngest cousin is now 8 years old.  When he was born, I was kind of distracted by other things (specifically my grandpa dying of cancer) so I really didn’t care much about him.  Also I was 19 and could have cared less about babies.

Now I’m 26 and a lot of people I know are having babies.  It’s that time in people’s lives.  I do not want this for myself – but I’m fine with it for others.  So now that the Nugget (as I call him) has hit the scene, there’s at least a baby for me to adore and then hand back to his parents.

I guess it’s just weird too because I grew up with my cousin.  We’ve always been close.  It’s weird to think that the girl that I used to play dress up with now has a little person to take care of.   It means that she’s really an adult, as opposed to being half of one before.  She’s got a family of her own now.  And that’s…strange.

But babies?  With their tiny shoes and tiny onesies and OMG CHILDREN’S BOOKS?  Fabulous.  Babies wearing belts on pants, even though they don’t walk?  I LOVE IT.  I go from being angry and cynical to being a pile of love whenever I see a baby.  I realized why the other day.  Babies have no idea of the bad in the universe.  Everything to them is shiny happy good times.  They don’t know that people are mean and hateful and awful to each other.  They eat, sleep and poop.  That’s all they do.  They love it.  They love it without even knowing there’s so much more to the world.

Welcome to the universe, Alec Nicholas.  My little Nugget.  You’re going to be shown the best of the best.  And we’re all so glad that you’re here.

When you don’t have enough for an entire post…

You just go with bullets and hope that you have enough random nonsense for an entire post.  Right?  Yes.

  • Today is one of those days where it’s so hot that you sweat just by existing.  I got out of the shower and I was already sweating.  Just ew
  • Puppy Duke fractured his toe.  I don’t even know how he did it, but now he’s all jacked up on painkillers and limping around and it’s the saddest thing ever.  It will take 3 weeks for his foot to heal, so we just have to keep the 6 month old puppy calm until then.  Oh yes, that’s a piece of cake.
  • Went to a wedding this weekend with Gilmore.  One of his friends was getting married and honestly?  The most adorable wedding ever.  Mike and Casey love each other so much it hurts.  You can tell they are going to be together forever and still love each other as much every day as they did on Saturday.  The wedding was great and the reception was even better.
  • Another thing I love?  The fact that Gilmore’s friends have just taken me in like I totally belong.  They’re all so nice to me and tell Gilmore how wonderful I am.  Which is true – i AM wonderful.
  • I’ve been doing a lot of baking lately – which I love.  It always makes me happy.
  • It’s hard to believe it’s July.  I don’t know where time goes anymore.
  • Things at my house are settling down now, after last week’s discovery with my dad.  My parents were in Vermont for the weekend and I think that really helped them to settle down and realize that we can handle this.
  • Oh, and my dad has Lyme now too.  As an added bonus.
  • This weekend is my cousin’s baby shower.  It’s hard to believe that the baby could be born really any time now – her due date is the end of July/beginning of August.  I’m so excited for this baby to come along.  Like, really.  I can’t wait for the new baby.  It’s been a while since there’s been a baby in the family.  And now I’m at an age where I care about babies
  • The baby shower on the other hand?  It’s a disaster.  And not in a “wow, this is going to be a terrible shower” sort of way, but more in a “what have you done with this?” sort of way.  My uncle’s wife is coordinating everything and instead of going low key (which is what my cousin wants), we’re having a random lunch at this place that is charging us $40/person and she asked my cousin’s husband for money to help cover the costs of this thing.  My uncle’s wife invited all these random people that my cousin doesn’t even really know and it’s just spiraled out of control.  So – that will be fun on Sunday, right?
  • This is the last weekend home before I’ve got two back to back weekends in Vermont.  And then it’s Tessa’s wedding.  It’s hard to believe that time is already here.
  • Also?  Cape Cod vacation is right around the corner.  Holy cow, how did that happen?
  • Neither my manager nor the VP of the department are in the office today…which leaves me in charge.  That’s kind of scary.

On Second Dates

Last night, I went out with Gilmore again. We’ve been emailing each other a lot ever since our last date, which was before Easter. All his emails really bring me joy and I like receiving them. So we decided HEY LET’S DO THIS AGAIN.

As I was driving to meet him in Stamford, I started tweaking out in the car. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know why I agreed to go out with this boy again. I don’t feel like myself. I had a serious case of assface, I feel all squishy and gross and I’m just – I’m not who I was even 6 months ago. I freaked. I was driving and shouting at myself and freaking. I’m sure that was quite the sight. But I did it. I went on the date. I almost had to turn around and go home because I seriously had no idea what I was doing.

We met at the restaurant at 7. I got home at almost 1 AM. The entire night flew by. We were talking and drinking beers and having dinner and the next thing we knew, they were closing the place down around us. We were the last people there. He walked me back to my car and then we were talking in the parking garage for another hour and a half.

When you go out with someone and you have no idea where the time goes because you’re just having so much fun – that’s a date to remember. When things are easy and simple? That’s wonderful.

And then there’s that other part that’s warning me not to do this again. The part that’s telling me it’s too soon, it’s not right, it’s no good. There’s no basis for any of those claims. They just came in with the doubt that I would be able to find someone that I liked again. So those thoughts will hang out until I can make them disappear or something happens to prove them to be true.

I really hope not though. I hope the goodness continues.

We’ve already made plans for the next date. We’re facebook friends now. His facebook status from last night? “The good news? I like this one, and I think this one likes back.”

Yeah. I do.

Getting old

I’ve been invited out for both Friday and Saturday night. And considering how sadpants I’ve been about, well, lots of things lately, I thought about going out. Then I realized that I couldn’t go out two nights in a row.

And why? Because I am OLD.

The thought of going out for 2 nights – drinking, dancing, singing, shouting, being up late – has exhausted me. I haven’t even left the house. It’s not even the weekend. But I’m tired just thinking about being up that late.

This past weekend, I was at the bar on Saturday night watching the Uconn game. It was an important game and the bar was pretty packed. I remember sitting there and thinking that there were way too many people around..and that it was way too loud in that bar. Someone needed to turn the sound or the music or the people down. Then it hit me just how old I’m getting. I’m not even 27 and I’m turning into an old lady.

Back in the day, I could go out and drink every night of the week. I could stay up until 2 AM and still make it to class in the morning. I could pump my body full of all sorts of beer and pizza and D.P. Dough and still look great the next day. But now? Now if I drink too much, I wake up with a nasty hangover and an overwhelming urge to die on the spot. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t push myself to party like I used to because just the idea of it makes me tired.

I’m going to embrace it though. Since my cousin is pregnant, at least I have a reason for staying in – to spend time with her. Now it just means that I have to plan when I’m going out and get myself psyched up prior to going out. It means that I can apply for my AARP card sooner rather than later. And it means that when I don’t feel like going out? I can play the “I’m kinda old now” card.

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