A post that’s been a while in coming

So I meant to post about this last week.  But then Irene came through and we lost power and I was out of work for a few days…so I’m just getting around to it now.

I broke up with Gilmore.

Yeah, I did.  It probably comes as a surprise, considering that he made me so swoony and I was so happy at some points.  But Gilmore came over a few Fridays ago and we were hanging out.  As he was leaving, he was kissing me and the only thought I had was that I wanted him to get away from me as soon as possible.

The idea of this relationship not really working had been in my head, but every time that came up, I ignored it.  Then one of my friends excitedly asked me if Gilmore was The One for me.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he wasn’t.  I also realized that my feelings for him completely changed.  Those feelings from the early part of our relationship were gone.  I didn’t want to see him as much.  I didn’t want to be close to him.  And things that he did were making me crazy.  Basically, no matter what he did, he was making me nuts.  I was going to hold out on this for a while and make sure that I REALLY felt this way, because once I told him, I knew there would be no going back.  But the more I talked to him, the more I realized I was done.  He was talking about things we could do in October, things we could do during the wintertime and I didn’t want any part of those things.  I knew it had to end.

I went over to his house on Friday night and sat him down.  I explained that my feelings had changed – there was nothing that he said or did that caused it.  I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore.

He said that we could fix it.

I explained again that my feelings weren’t the same anymore and it wasn’t fair to him to be with him if I wasn’t all in.

Gilmore asked how much time I needed because he was willing to wait.

That’s when I got pissed at him.  because while he was hearing me, he wasn’t listening.  Then I told him that he needed to grow a pair and stop rolling over and taking it and finally stand up for himself.  Every time I told Gilmore that i was done, he’d say something to indicate that he was just willing to compromise himself for me.  He wasn’t getting it.

Gilmore then asked if I would tell him when those feelings came back.  I told Gilmore that they aren’t ever coming back.

Telling Gilmore that I didn’t have those hiney-tingle thoughts that I had before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  When 21 did this to me, I couldn’t understand how this could happen.  Now I get it.  It just…does.  And it hurts to have to do it to someone else, but the idea of just…lying to him and going through the motions and not being all in hurt more.

I know that Gilmore was into me.  I know this because of the way he acted and because he flat out told me (more than once) that he loved me.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn’t feel that way and I wasn’t ready to feel that way, but here he is, telling me how much he loves me.  I begged him not to tell me that again, but he would.  Telling someone that is that into you that you aren’t into them?  It’s painful.  I could see how much it hurt him.  But in the end, it was for the best.

Now all the anxiety I had regarding telling him that I was done is gone.  I feel so much better now.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  While it’s been an adjustment to not have someone to hang out with all the time and not have someone that cares about what I’m doing, it’s also so much better.  I’m no longer creating reasons why I can’t hang out with him.  I’m no longer dodging text messages or explaining that i can’t hang out with him 4 days a week.

I wasn’t all in for this relationship.  I know that I’m better than this.  I know that I’ll find someone that I’m just bananas about and I’ll feel that way forever – not for only 4 months.

So I’m back to being just me.  I’m okay with it.  I have more time for me, more time for my friends and more time to just…be.  Which is fine.  And when I’m ready to move on, then I’ll be ready.  Until then, I’ll just be Sarah.  Singular.

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Relationship Diabetes

In my brain, I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not to write this post.  Because I feel like I just did this.  I feel like I was just into a guy that was so into me…until he wasn’t.  So I don’t know if posting this is right, or if I’ll regret it or if this is a good idea.

But sometimes you just have to go with your gut.  And my gut says “do this.”  So.  I am.

I’ve been dating Gilmore for a while now.  We first went out in April and have been seeing each other ever since and now it’s on facebook (which makes it official.  And that was all him, I could have cared less) and it’s been..just a ridiculous two months or whatever it’s been.

I guess I figured after everything with 21 was said and done, I wouldn’t be in this position again.  I wouldn’t be with some guy that thinks that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened (which is true, I basically am).  And yet, I’m in this relationship with some guy that will willingly and readily tell me that I’m beautiful.  That he adores me.  That he really enjoys every single second that we spend together.  I feel the same way.  I can’t believe I’m here again, with some guy that I could see things happening with.  A guy I could see my future with.  I didn’t think I would be playing this game for a while, let alone now.  But when things happen – they happen.

I don’t know what makes Gilmore so different.  I can’t just say “well, he does like me” because that’s how relationships are formed.  Someone likes you enough to want to be seen in public with you.  But it’s more than that.  I’m comfortable with him.  He tells me things that I sometimes just need to hear.  He lets me know that the little things that I do for him (making him a ridiculous birthday hat, making birthday cupcakes, texting him to tell him that he’s awesome) are the things that make him like me more.  He understands why the little things are so important.  But he does big things.  He gets me tickets to the thing I’ve been dying to see just because he knew that it would thrill me.  He offers to make me breakfast when I wake up at his house.  He’s sweet.  He’s so sweet.  I tell him he gives me relationship diabetes.

When he says what he feels, I know he means it with his entire self.  He’s not lying, he’s not trying to manipulate me and he’s most certainly not saying it for an ego boost.  Gilmore is being honest with me and he’s honest with himself.  He’s an adult.  That’s really..something.

I haven’t written much about Gilmore because I get worried about the fallout.  I fear the end of things, because then I’m back to where I started.  I’m back to saying “well, this relationship is over” and I’m back to nursing my bruised ego.  It doesn’t feel like that’s going to be happening here.

Being in this relationship with him has turned me into someone that loves the idea of love.  I saw a man getting on the train this weekend.  He had a bouquet of flowers.  I wanted to go and hug him because I knew he was bringing them to some fine lady and it would make her day.  Hearing my friend on the phone with her boyfriend – the way her voice changes when she realizes he’s calling, the little nonsense things she says to him, the moment that they both tell each other that they love each other?  That all gives me a reason to smile.  People in love are my drug right now.  Watching people that truly and actually care about each other interact?  Amazing.  Then I realize that when I get a text message from Gilmore telling me that hey, it’s Thursday, he’s thinking about me and hopes that I have a good idea, my face lights up.  Knowing that he’s just as excited to see me as I am to see him?  It’s disgusting and gross at times to be one of those people – but deep down, I really like it.

The reason why Muffin is crying

So remember how my last post was all “Oh, 21 is so fabulous and we had such a great weekend and I’m absolutely stupid for him. SQUEEEEEEEE GIRL NOISES”?

Yeah, that doesn’t count anymore.

He invited himself over to my house after work on Monday. That’s how I knew something was up. He’s never done that before. Starting at 11 AM on that morning, I knew that he was going to end it. I didn’t think he was coming over to celebrate our anniversary early (I mean, not that I made a big deal about it, I just casually mentioned it in passing), but I had hope.

Hope was not enough. He came over around 8:45. 21 asked me to step outside with him. And then, in case I had any doubt, I knew for sure that he was going to tell me that he didn’t want to do this anymore.

He looked straight at me and told me that he didn’t feel like he used to do. He apologized for doing what he was doing and told me that he was a terrible person. I told him that he wasn’t. He told me I was one of the most awesome people he knew and he really liked spending time with me. He asked if in time, we could be friends. That’s when I fell apart. He was crying by that point too. I hugged him. Probably harder than I should. He apologized again and told me that he couldn’t stay. He got in his car and drove away.

Then I went in the house and I sobbed. Which is what I did for all of Monday night and most of Tuesday morning. My eyes were so swollen and hurt so bad from all the crying that I couldn’t get my contacts in. I woke up at 4 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep. Tuesday I was a wreck. I cried a lot. But Wednesday and Thursday, I kept my tears to a minimum. Last night I lost it in my cousin’s kitchen, while telling her what happened.

I knew that Fridays would be hard, as I spent most Friday nights at 21’s house. We would go out or stay in and watch a movie, but whatever we did, we laughed the whole time. He would hold my hand while we sat on the couch. He’d tell me how pretty I looked, even with my nerdy glasses on. And on Saturday mornings, he would get up and make us some sort of epic breakfast. He’d bring me coffee in bed, sometimes with advil if I had a hangover. 21 made me hot chocolate to take with me to the shelter on days that it was cold. He’d walk me to the car and kiss me and tell me that he had a wonderful night and he couldn’t wait to see me again.

Last night I realized none of those things would happen again. And it hurt. I know this could have been so much worse. We could have been madly in love. We could have been living together. We weren’t. In the end, my heart is bruised, not broken. But it doesn’t take the sting out of it. This entire thing blindsided me. I had no idea that he felt less for me than he did. True, he was talking to me less during the day, but I figured that was because he was working hard and didn’t have time to talk. I didn’t know it was because the passion he used to feel for me wasn’t there anymore.

In all honesty, I don’t think this is over. I think there’s parts of this story that still need to unfold. I was supposed to meet all his friends this weekend (they all live in Boston) when they came to visit him for his birthday. He mentioned that they were excited to meet me. But I was not there. I have a feeling that tonight or tomorrow, he’s going to come back around and say something.

Then again – maybe he won’t. And that’s okay. I don’t expect that he’s going to do that. I am not holding out for it, as I might have done in the past. He made the choice to end things. He knows that he made a mistake – I know that just from the way he was acting on Monday night. He realizes that I’m awesome – mostly because I am. The worst part is that I’m not even upset with him. I’m just so disappointed. I expected better from him. I expected to be able to see the signs when he thought he didn’t like me. But instead, he was going away with me to Vermont and making plans to meet his friends and talking about my friend’s weddings that I was going to. We talked about calling out of sick of work one nice day and going to the Bronx Zoo. We discussed further long weekends in Vermont. We talked about other things that were way far in advance – but we both knew that we liked each other. Or at least I thought we did. In the end, I guess that wasn’t the case.

I’ve grown up a lot with this relationship. When Alex and I ended everything, I went a little crazy. I couldn’t understand what was going on. But now, I realize it’s nothing to do with me. If someone doesn’t like me, there’s nothing I can do to convince them that yes, they want to be with me. They need to realize that on their own. And if they don’t? Then I’m not supposed to be with that person. I want to be with a person that wants to be with me. I had that wonderful, happy relationship for a while. It was perfect. And while 21 did do things from time to time that made me a little annoyed with him, the first really shitty thing that he did was tell me that he didn’t want to continue the relationship with me.

I’m going to give myself some time to be sad. I’m going to mourn what I had because I should. What I had was great. He was great. It’s over now and I can accept that. So I will give myself time to cry. I’ll allow myself to be upset over stupid things (like crying hysterically in the car when this song came on). I’m going to think of all the good moments that we had and I won’t forget them or let them become tainted by my sadness. I’m going to be sad for a while. I’m going to go into boy detox again. When I’m ready, I’ll start dating again. When I’m completely over him, I’ll try something new. I don’t know when that will be, but I know that I’m in no rush to ruin a relationship with anyone due to my inability to let the last one go. Maybe 21 and I will be friends in time. We did always have so much fun together.

Bruised, not broken. I just need to keep on saying that. My heart is bruised and not broken.

Sad Panda no more!

So maybe you might have noticed that I have not been a little ray of sunshine lately.  In fact, I’ve been downright hateful.  Not in an amusing, “Oh Sarah you adorable little scamp” way.  More in an “I will gut you like a fish way”.

Which isn’t funny when you say it out loud to other people.  So don’t do that.

Not that I have.  Yet.

But it’s Friday.  And the sun is out (again!)  and it’s almost the weekend.  So to make myself smile a little more, I started to think about things that are making me happy at the moment:

  • It’s Friday.  At almost 5 PM
  • My brother coming home from college for an entire week
  • the turkey sandwich I had at lunch
  • Getting the terrible conference call out of the way today.  I’m DONE with it now
  • The fact that spring isn’t that far off
  • Getting my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow.  nothing like it!
  • Dog Prom!  With 21 and friends!  And I will feel so pretty
  • New black heels that I will wear to said prom
  • In 8 days, I leave for New Orleans
  • In 10 days, I leave for Mexico
  • SUNSHINE FINALLY OMG
  • Sending out Valentine’s Day cards to some of my favorite people
  • Good workouts with my trainer (even though she’s breaking up with me)
  • This video of me taunting the cat.  And I wonder why he hates me.
  • Matt and Kim, followed by Modest Mouse on my iPod.
  • Wearing my ugg mocs into work, convention be damned!
  • Getting along with some of my coworkers really really well
  • The fact that this week is just about OVER
  • Changing out of my work clothes.  Awesome feeling
  • Knowing that my cranky mood is done for the time being and now everyone will want to be my friend…yayyyy

What’s making you happy in this moment?

A silly thing to be upset about turns into something else entirely

I’ve had the same trainer for like, a year now.  She’s wonderful.  I love her.  She gets me and she gets how I work.  She knows how to push me.  And she makes me laugh.

Today she told me that due to her heavy courseload this semester, she cannot train me anymore.

TO say that I was crushed would be barely scraping the surface.  I was crying.  Like a lot.  I feel like she broke up with me – even though I completely understand and I know that’s what she needed to do.  But still – I like her.  I like my time with her.  And now that’s not something I can do anymore.

So after I left her house today, I got in the car and cried.  But I wasn’t just crying about the fact that Lisa isn’t going to be my trainer.  I was crying about the stress from work, stress from things relating to my brother, the way that 21 didn’t come over on Sunday night even though he said he would.  I was crying out of the panic of getting ready to go on vacation when I don’t feel prepared.  I cried because it’s cold outside, the wind is howling and I just want to see some flowers.  I cried because when 21 invited me over for next Monday night, I stupidly told him that V-Day isn’t a big deal.  Because it’s not.  And now who knows what he thinks?

It’s so stupid.  But it’s something that I needed to do.  I needed to cry my eyes out in my car over nothing to realize that I’m stressed out but it will be over soon.

I’ll be on a beach in Mexico soon.  I’ll be in New Orleans even sooner.  The Dog Ball is this weekend and I can’t wait to get all dressed up.  I’m getting a haircut, which always makes me feel fabulous.  I’m going to buy V-Day cards for all my friends and nothing brings me more joy than to send them to my friends.  I might have some ice cream for dessert tonight, which would bring a smile to my face.  And if all else fails, at least tomorrow is Wednesday…which means the week is halfway over.  Thankfully.

Exciting news on an otherwise boring Sunday

And this isn’t my news.  Just so everyone is on the same page.  If I was in this situation, I would not be so happy.  I would be kind of sad.

My cousin Heather came over today with her husband, Tony.  They don’t come over often.  Heather and Tony only live a few towns over, but they don’t usually go places together.  Which meant that something was up.

Heather told us that she is expecting (!!) and that she is due in August.  To say that my mom flipped her lid over this information would be an understatement.  My mom started shrieking and jumping and crying all at once.  Because there is nothing that my mom wants more than a baby in her life.  Not her own, but someone else’s.

And now Heather has done me the biggest favor by taking the heat off of me.  My mom is DYING for me to get engaged or married or have a baby.  None of those things are going to be happening anytime soon.  But since HEATHER, the golden child, is going to have a baby, we’re all off the hook.

I’m really glad for her.  She’s going to be a great mom and I know that this baby will be super loved.  And I can’t lie, I’m so excited because someone that I’m close to is having a baby.  I know plenty of girls from high school (that I’m not close to) and some family friends that are having babies, but no one that I’ve spent so much time with.  She’s at the right point in her life to have a baby.  So I can live through her and her experiences.

Plus, now I can kind of live my life outside of my mom’s spotlight because I’m not having a baby.  Much to her dismay.  My mom likes to remind me that when she was my age, she was married.  And when she was 27, she had me.  Of course, since I’m 26 25.2 and not even engaged, I’m very far behind.  Which is another thing she likes to tell me.  I’m stuck in some sort of race in my mom’s head.  I’m losing this race.

I’m not in any hurry to get married.  From time to time, I think that I would really like to settle down soon, and then I remember that I have hard time making choices.  And choosing who you are going to marry?  that’s not something to be taken lightly.

So for the next 7 months, we all can go about our lives because we’re not having a baby and Heather can be the main focus.

I can never thank her enough for that…

Treading water

Yesterday at work I had a talk with my manager for our mid year career discussion.  It was an awkward talk because my manager is new to being a manager and kind of didn’t know what to say to me.  But the conversation came to my work performance and how I’ve just been in a holding pattern lately.

And that’s completely true.  But in my defense, I would be given new responsibilities at work and then have them for 2 weeks before they would be assigned to someone else and I would have something new.  I couldn’t really get into the swing of anything because by the time I finally understood something, it was taken away from me.  That is frustrating.

So I need to get out of this holding pattern.  And it doesn’t apply just to work.

I saw the trainer last night and we took some measurements.  I’ve lost an inch off my waist, which is kind of amazing, but the rest of me has stayed the same.  We had a very serious conversation about my life.

It boiled down to this: ever since the end of September, when I moved back home and everyone left at work, my life has been kind of chaotic.  It’s just been everything all the time.  I had to adjust to living at home again and having to deal with my mom day in and day out.  As I said before, my work responsibilities kept on changing.  So it was hard to find some sort of stability when the only thing I could count on being stable was the idea of chaos and nonsense.

We’re in a new year.  I NEED to get my shit in order.  I can’t keep on making excuses and falling back on the “it’s all crazy!” forever.  I’m going to make the effort.  I’m going to bust my ass at work to get ahead.  I’m going to bust my ass at the gym to make a difference in what I’m doing.  I’ve got the muscles there – I just need them to show.

I have this silly dance coming up in exactly 1 month.  And by then, I want to have lost 5 pounds (which is a tiny amount.  And i know that.  But I’m going to start small and go from there).  I want to have things making sense.  I want to be able to say I’ve made some progress.

None of these things are going to be easy and I know that.  But honestly, I can’t keep doing this.  I’m 26 25.2 years old.  I need to grow up and start acting like it, you know?  And it starts now-ish.

I need to remember what I’m striving for.  I need to remember that if I don’t lose some pounds in my hips, my pants don’t fit.  I need to realize that if my work performance sucks, people notice.  The things I need to change, I need to change for ME, not for anyone else.  The only person that is being set back by my inability to be a productive person is ME.

Which I forget sometimes.  But I can’t anymore.  I have to turn my focus on myself.  I have to do these things for me.

Now that I’ve posted this – everyone knows what I’m doing.  And I can be held accountable in the court of blogs when it doesn’t happen.

It has to happen though.  Doesn’t or can’t are not words I can use anymore.  I’ve got to stop treading and start swimming.

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